Confessions of a Distorted Mind
by CanaanAlshea
Summary: Kurama's POV as he struggles with an eating disorder, feelings of inadequacy, and his mother and freinds slowly drifting away along with his sanity... TITLE CHANGED FROM 'dying to be thin'
1. Chapter 1

**Okay...this is something I started a LONG time ago. I'm continuing it for 2 reasons: nostalgia and one of my freinds who wants to read the ending. This is when I was obsessed with EDs. The whole fic is in Kurama's POV. I started this last year...**

**--Yoko**

Some people look at me, and they think of how weird or disgusting I am.

Some look at me with admiration or envy.

I look at me...and I gag. I look in the mirror as the monster grows. As I get fatter no matter how much I exercise or how little/much I eat. I don't want people to worry, because I'm going to be ok. As soon as I'm thin, I'll stop! I'm not really sure how long that will take; I just want it to be soon.

How did I get this way, you may ask? I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw all the others; how thin they were. I had always strived to be perfect, and this would be something to add to my list; thin. If you ask anyone else, they'll tell you different. They don't think I'm fat. But I know I am. If they don't like the way I live my life, tough. This is MY LIFE and I'm going to live it however I want to. It won't kill me, right?

Of course not; being thin or beautiful never hurt anyone. Others at school tell me I should eat more, and I politely decline. But, do you know what I say in my mind? "Why? So I can be fat like you?" I'm sure if I said that aloud, I would receive a few shocked faces. I'm always polite, always perfect, always graceful...until I get home, that is. Then, I become a completely different person. I cry and cut and purge myself of imaginary food.

My usual fasting meals consist of tea, water, coffee, oatmeal or oranges. Not all of those in one day, usually I pick one and have it in the evenings, then try to ignore the rumbling in my stomach as the night goes on. Before my binge, I cry sometimes, then it gets to be too much, and I just start to mindlessly shovel down food. Then I feel disgusting and ashamed and I go to the bathroom. I eat handfuls of laxatives, and spend the rest of the night on the toilet.

Once, nothing happened immediately. I tried to puke, but all I did was gag. So I ate more laxatives and water pills, then I went to bed in tears and fell into a fit-full sleep. I awoke around two am, with a weird feeling in my stomach; a slight rumbling sound. I sat up, but it was too late. I wasn't in diapers anymore, but I was still messing my bed and the floor. I spent the rest of the night crying and cleaning up the mess I had made on the carpet before my mother could come home. She was always at work during my binges. It was almost four before all evidence of my accident, and I fell asleep on the cold tile of my bathroom.

Other times, when I eat too much, I purge myself. It was easy once I got into the routine. The first few times, nothing came up and it hurt. Another time, there was blood, but I didn't think much of it. My glands became swollen. My knuckles were raw and cut up from the sharpness of my teeth. I fainted when I stood in the grocery store line too long. Pathetic, isn't it?

The people in the stores look at me weird because of all the junk food I buy. Cookies, cupcakes, ice-cream, pie. I learned after a while to buy some coffee, fruit, or some other kind of everyday food to avoid said looks. Sometimes I eat in the car on my way home, and then go to my room and start stuffing myself. I finished off a carton of ice-cream and a 12 pack of Hostess Chocolate Cupcakes in less than two minutes, then started on the chocolate cream pie. I looked pregnant when I was done, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to soak in the comforting feeling the food brought me. Sighing, I faced reality and went into my bathroom, shoving three fingers into the back of my throat and puking. It was painful, re-opening all the old blisters, but it was worth it. I was glad to see that food because it was all SO FATTENING.

After a binge like that, I usually don't eat for a few days, staying after school late so I can lie and say I already ate with friends when I get home in order to avoid dinner. My mother commented once on how thin I looked, but she let it drop after that. I went to my room, locking the bathroom door, and I stripped in front of my mirror. I saw all the fat on my stomach, my arms, my thighs. God, I was disgusting.

One day, I tried to puke again, but nothing came up. I couldn't figure out why. After a few tries, I gave up with the finger, and just downed some random cleaning product. Stupid? Yes. But, effective; I was puking for over an hour.

Mother overheard me once, and I had to lie, saying I was sick. It was really quite funny; I loved her, and always tried to be perfect. And yet, I hardly felt a twinge of regret when lying straight to her face. She checked my forehead, saying I didn't have a fever. She made me stay home from school that day. I spent that day in bed, constantly getting up and down, doing sit ups and what not. I was sore, and dizzy. But when I stepped on that scale, I smiled; 95. While it wasn't my goal, it was better.

Mother went to work, so she didn't know of any of it. I didn't eat, and I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling with one arm laying over my stomach. I put a hand on it and softly pinched the flesh of my belly. Yes, there it was; the fat. I felt like crying...but I didn't. Instead I went into the bathroom and got into the familiar position of on my knees in front of the toilet. I shoved my fingers back...nothing came up. Tears fell now; it wasn't fair! I needed to be thin!

I haven't eaten in three days. My stomach hurts, but somehow it makes me glad. I look in the mirror. I see the dark circles under my eyes, how tired they are. Once emerald, they're just green now, a very dull green. I heard my mother talking to my stepfather last night; she was crying, talking about what she "didn't know what to do with me." What does she mean? I'm okay. I'll stop eventually. I'm feeling dizzy...I think I need to lie down. As soon as I hit the bed, my body begins to feel heavy. No surprise; not with how fat I am. I curl up in a ball, clutching my abdomen and shivering; it feels cold now. I look over to my window, though seeing it isn't open and the heater is on as well, I don't know how on earth it could be cold. Perhaps I'm getting ill? I'll have to take some sort of vitamin C tablet tomorrow.

I'm sitting in school right now, but the letters on the board seem to dance before my eyes. I can hear the other boys in class laughing at me, as they do in gym class when the dizzy spells come along again. 'Pussy' they say. Well, I may be weakened but at least I'm not sitting around becoming a fat pig.

My throat hurts from all the times I threw up. I'd downed syrup of Ipecac so I could lose those extra couple of pounds. Not one of my best moments; I was up puking for hours, my throat burning and I felt like my insides were on fire. I couldn't sleep; my head throbbed, and my vision blurred. I literally felt like I was going to die. Mother noticed; I told her I was sick and she believed me. Lovable woman, she really is. And I'm glad that she is so gullible; I don't know what I would do if she found out. Though, I also wonder if it should concern me how easily I lie to her.

"Kurama?" I look up, motions slower than usual, to look into the concerned brown eyes of Keiko. My cheeks flush as I realize that the whole group looks like that except for Hiei...they've been trying to get my attention for some time now. 'Damn' I smile and apologize, the brunette handing me something in a can and telling me I should drink it because of how hot it's getting. 'Great' I think sarcastically; soda is just what I need right now. With all the calories and sugars and god knows what else. I open it, pretending to drink it before setting it down; I'll pour it in the ground before we leave...

**Time/Scene  
**"Mr. Minamino!" I look over to the front of the room, away from the window, to see my teacher standing there, an impatient look on his face as he stands directly beside my desk. He cranes his neck to where I'd been facing, "What is so interesting about the sky, Minamino?" he asks, "Why, there's not even a cloud." The classroom snickers, and I resist the urge to glare death at them. "Nothing sensei," I keep my own impatience out of my voice, "I/m just a bit tired. Please continue your lecture." I really hope that's what he was doing...

Of course, I'm wrong. The class bursts out laughing and I'm surprised to find that I'm neither embarrassed nor angry; in fact, I don't feel anything. "Mr. Minamino," he sighs, "I had asked you if you'd finished your report." I close my eyes; I'd never even started it. "I'll take that as a no," he looks at me oddly, then tells me to come see him after class...

The room piles out, some of the boys pointing at me and laughing, while others simply make strange 'ooh' noises; the kind teenagers make when someone gets in trouble. It's ridiculous; something I have absolutely no patience for. Sensei gestures to the chair in front of his desk and I sit down, my spine straight as I try not to show any emotion in my face. "You've been acting strange lately, Minamino-san," he says to me, the earlier harshness gone from his voice, "Is there..." he glares at the door, which is open a crack, and the person on the other side slams it. He shakes his head, turning back to me like nothing happened, "Is there anything you need to talk about?"

Talk about? How about the fact that my mother is getting married to a man that I absolutely hate? That she's getting a stepson who is healthy; one she already adores and is completely devoted to. The fact that my first father is being forgotten, fading away into the shadows and another man is taking over his place in the photographs? Binging and purging isn't doing much anymore...should we talk about how things are falling apart and there's nothing I can do to fix them? How there's nothing I can do to fix _myself_?

"No, Sensei," I whisper, "There's nothing to say..."


	2. Chapter 2

My walk home was anything but pleasant; it was cold to me. Everyone else was perfectly comfortable in jeans and t-shirts or shorts...and I can't help but wonder why. I'm much fatter than they are; shouldn't they be the cold ones? I feel my stomach clench as I realize someone is staring; I don't look up to see who. I just wrap my coat around myself and walk faster, just wanting to go home and do sit ups within the privacy of my room before going to sleep... 

"Hey, Kurama!" Great; just what I need. I force myself to smile as I see Yusuke and Kuwabarra running up behind me, "Well, what a surprise. I didn't know the two of you enjoyed taking leisurely walks!" They laugh at my joke, all of us knowing perfectly well they're on their way to the arcade. "So, what are you doing out here?" Kuwabarra nudges me with his elbow, "Going to see your boyfriend?" They both laugh at that and I smile; the group knows about my sexuality. Kuwabarra was a bit strange around me at first, but he eventually figured out it wasn't changing me. They also know I'm not in a relationship, hence the joke. "Indeed," I joke back, "I'm sure he's terribly lonely without me."

It was cold; always cold. I greeted my mother, and was about to go upstairs when she stopped me. "Suichi dear," she says with a smile, "Don't you want to say hello to Kazuya?" I look to the 40-something year old man and fake a smile, "Good evening Hatanaka-san." He nods to me and I go upstairs; my door is open...

"Kokoda," I'm surprised at the anger in my voice, and so is my stepbrother. He turns, eyes wide and I look down to see what's in his hand; my heart stops. "Put it down," I whisper, my voice cold and anger seeping from every pore. It's my food-journal. Charts of everything I've eaten as well as how much calories, fat, sugars and starches is in each of it. He closes it, putting it back in my open dresser and doesn't move. He's either ashamed or afraid. I don't care right now. "Get out." He runs by me, and I immediately go into my nightstand, pulling out a small vial. I have to rid his memory of what he's just seen...

A relieved sigh escapes me as I note how easily he eats the food that has the plants; to me there is a distinct smell. Thank god humans don't have a sensitive nose. "Suichi dear," my mother puts her hand over mine, her skin warm and smooth as always, "Are you feeling alright? Or do you just not like pot roast?" I try to smile at her; I'm not sure if it works. "I'm afraid it's not my favorite of meals, mother. I'll go put some wasabi on it." I stand and go into the kitchen, pausing to make sure no one follows me as I let the door swing close.

Carefully, I tilt the plate into the trashcan beneath the sink, letting over half of my dinner fall into it. I add the green spicy sauce, moving things around so the illusion of more food is placed. I smile; they won't know unless they look for it...

I couldn't sleep. Sick of tossing and turning, I wrapped a quilt around my body, not bothering to wonder why it was so damned cold, and went into the den where I knew mother would be reading. "Mama," I whispered. Shock went up in a part of my brain; I'd never called her that. But she didn't seem to care; she looked up from her book and gave me a warm smile, putting her attention on me for the moment.

"Mother, it's cold," I whispered, "May I sit with you?" She gave me the look I knew she would; the smile that showed how happy she was to finally have me act a little bit normal. Having such an independent child, followed by a needy teenager must be strange for her, though she hasn't complained so far. I yawn, wrapping my arm around hers and resting my head on her shoulder, staring at the pages of her book but not taking in any of the words. I don't know what I'll do when she gets married to Kazuya; selfish as it sounds, I'm going to miss these little moments where it's just us. She's going to have a son to dote on. Do I fear being forgotten?

Inwardly, I flinch. When did I get so selfish? Do I come across as such a bastard to others or is it just to myself? The critical side of me that does nothing but scold and yell and berate day in and day out is back again and this time, I don't even try to silence it.

Morning comes; not that it matters. I didn't sleep. I was up reading a completely ridiculous book for my English class. The finals are coming up; I'm not stressed about it. I learned all of this a long time ago. "Suichi?" I glare; it's a man's voice. Without even waiting for my response, Kazuya opens the door with a smile, "Your mother wants me to tell you it's time for breakfast." The door clicks shut. Breakfast? God damn it, that's the last thing I need to think about.

Carefully, I set the meal up. I took a bite with each time they took ten, occasionally spitting it into my napkin to dispose of later. I push the rice around on my plate, avoiding the Miso soup since I can't hide not eating that. I tell my mother it's too salty and she accepts it. I stand up, kissing her cheek and patting Kokoda on the head before walking out the door. They didn't notice that I hadn't said one word.

I smile when I feel my stomach rumble...

**Short...sorry. My head hurts really bad and that's where I wanted to end it anyways.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Shonen ai in this chapter!!**

My limbs feel heavy as I let myself fall onto the bed, the smell of vanilla washing over me. I love when mother does laundry; I don't know how she does it, but that scent is always there without being overpowering. "Suichi?" I don't even open my eyes, giving a 'hm' of acknowledgement as Kokoda's voice reaches my mind; strange that I didn't hear the door open. "Dad wanted me to tell you to come downstairs," his voice is quiet...strange, "I don't know what he wants to talk to you about." I sigh, standing and leaving the room after thanking him. 

I pull the robe of my belt tighter around my waist as I lean against the doorframe of the den, looking at the man who sits so comfortably in what used to be my father's chair. "You wanted to talk to me?" I say. He looks up from the television, which is on mute, and motions to the couch beside the chair. I sit down, and look at him, trying to keep my eyes open. "Your teacher called today," he looks upset, his voice giving off an edge of anger, "He's concerned about your recent behavior." I fight the urge to laugh; I'm not acting that different...am I? I smile, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to worry anyone; I've just been distracted." He looked at me up and down; you can see what he's wondering in his eyes. And I'm right; the next thing he asks is "Are you on drugs?" in a rather blunt fashion. So I give him a look: the one that says, "Are you a fool?" He sighs, leaning back in the chair and running his hand over his face like he's exhausted, "Suichi, what are we going to do with you?" I close my eyes, not having a response to that question and doubting he even expected one. "Well," he sighs, "Get some sleep son. Maybe we'll talk in the morning before breakfast." I narrow my eyes as he gives me a hit to the back of the shoulder; one of those so-called 'masculine' farewells that I despise. Of course, I'm not exactly the epitome of perfection myself, am I?

_Time skip_

I sit here now on the bench, reveling in the bitter cold despite the late morning and stare up at the hazy-grey sky. "Fox?" I look up, forcing myself to smile as I see Hiei standing beside the bench. "Hiei," it's refreshing to look at those ruby eyes again, "Please, take a seat." He does so, shaking his head to rid it of the snowflakes that had nested there before he looks me up and down, eyes narrowing, "You've changed." I feel my cheeks heat up and I wrap my coat around my body, crossing my legs and making sure to keep the smile on, "Have I?" I resist the urge to tease him about his height, which hasn't gone up any. "And how's that, firefly?" He looks into my eyes, all seriousness apparent in his features as he utters four words that make my heart plummet:

"Have you gained weight?"

I look away from him, pressing my lips together and then back at him with a small smile, hoping he doesn't notice the tears threatening in the back of my eyes, the subtle trembling of my lips, "Possibly. I don't weigh myself often." A lie if I've ever told one. He shrugs, looking around then doing something that once made me grin; he tilted his head back to catch the snowflakes on his tongue. I'm surprised this childish act no longer gives me a warm feeling. I don't feel anything right now other than the need to run or weigh myself. I stand up, "Why don't we go for a walk?"

He stands easily from the bench, smiling at me, "Sure. It will be fun to see how much this human world is declining." I look at him; same Hiei as always. Never has an ounce of fat on him; he's wearing a new cloak, though it looks exactly the same as the last one aside from there's no tear at the bottom. He quirks his brow with a smile, "Remember when you gave this to me, fox?" I nod, remembering that day vividly. He had given me a 'hn' and flung it over his shoulder casually, making me believe he would never wear it and then reminding me that Christmas was a senseless human holiday.

He'd worn the cloak the very next day.

"Y'know fox," I look over at him, watching him kick snow out of his way, "I didn't mean to insult you when I mentioned the weight gain." Damn, there it was again! I didn't say anything though. "You've changed in other ways," he smiled at me, near grinning as he reached over and lightly tugged the end of my hair, "This red mop of yours has grown quite a few inches," he let go and put his hand back in his pocket, "Your taller, if not only by a centimeter or two, but taller never the less!" I smile helplessly. "And," here, Hiei stopped walking, I myself doing the same and he wasn't smiling anymore. "And I think, as impossible as it sounds, I love you more than I ever have..." He kissed me softly, his hand finding my own and lacing our fingers together, "I've missed you...stupid fox." I laughed, albeit tearfully, and rested my forehead on his, "I've missed you too, itoshii..." **A/N: I think it means beloved**

We went back to my house, grateful that my family had gone shopping, and changed out of wet clothes and into warm, dry ones. We sat on the loveseat, my head on his chest as I listened to his heartbeat, and drank green tea together, watching the muted television but neither of us really paying attention to what was being said. His fingers, as always, found my hair; he hesitated before running his fingers through it. "Fox, your hair is thinner..." I smiled up at him, running my finger lightly across his lips, "Hiei, I never knew you pay so much attention to such small details. But, yes it is. I got it trimmed two days ago." He smirked, changing his position so he sat forward on my lap, and found my lips with his own. Hiei's hands were loosely around my neck and mine on his hips as we kissed for the first time in what felt like far too long.

Unfortunately, we did have to eventually part. I rest my forehead on his, staring into those too-beautiful eyes and running my hands along his back slowly. His other clothes were in the dryer, and he was now wearing a pair of my old jeans and a navy t-shirt. I gently slid my hand up the back of that shirt and used the tips of my fingers to trace the soft skin there; I felt the goose-bumps arise and his lips met my throat, kissing me and then sharp teeth leaving careful nips. "Hiei..." I whispered, unable to breathe but not wanting him to stop for anything. I felt my body trembling; Hiei was calm and calculating, giving me just enough to keep me involved and focused on him.

I leaned my head down to kiss his lips again; I wanted reality. I needed to know that Hiei was here with me. "Please...don't leave..." "Never, fox." I hadn't realized I'd uttered my plea aloud. When did I get so careless?

"Suichi, we're home!"

I hissed, not appreciating my family's early return, and Hiei and I pulled away from each other immediately, turning to the television and trying to figure out what was going on in case my mother asked.

"Hello Hiei," she said, walking into the room and setting her purse on the table, "How are you, dear?" He smiled, changing dramatically from what he showed Yusuke and the others, "Fine, Shiori. And yourself?" My mother chuckled, pulling her hair from the bun and letting it fall loosely down her back, "Exhausted. The crowds were just awful today. I'm going to make some tea. Would you like some?" He nodded, "That would be nice. Thank you, Shiori." She left without another word, and I smirked at my lover.

"What?" he said, "Would you like me to speak to her in the same manner as I do the detective and the fool?" I shook my head, kissing the back of his hand quickly, "No, that would be bad. Thank you love, for being polite to my human family." He gave a 'hn' that, in Hiei's language, means something along the lines of "it's not that big of a deal so you don't need to thank me for it."

We drank tea together, I myself being cautious of how much of it I drank. My mother added sugar to it; I never cared much for English breakfasts teas myself, but it's her taste and Hiei loved it, after adding about for teaspoons of honey and three sugar cubes. It hurts my stomach thinking about it.

Hiei slept quietly while my mother was in her bedroom. I went silently into the bathroom and stepped on the scale, holding my breath and dreading what I would see...

**  
End; not the best place to end the chapter, sorry.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm sorry about the whole switching between past and present tense thing; it's a really bad habit of mine...  
Whoo! After...I don't even know how long, here is chapter 4! Ugh. --; As you guys know, I've been getting headaches. I still have one but it's not so bad that I can't even get out of bed anymore. --; A headache for a whole week...gah!  
Thank you SO much for all your patience, your reviews, your wishes that I get well. I thank each of you individually but I felt the need to do it again. I hope you enjoy this chapter  
**

My eyes were wide and my mouth open in shock as I stared at the numbers on the scale:

112 pounds...

How could that be? I'm five foot seven; how could I possibly weigh so much[A/N: His height info came from the ideal weight would be around 115-120; I got this from a medical book so it might not be 100 accurate, but rather a good estimate Slowly, I eased myself back against the wall and slid to sit down; I rest my head on my knees and tried not to cry. I hadn't eaten...I've been exercising so how could I possibly be so damned heavy? Several insults raced through my mind; failure, moron, fat ass, and good for nothing... And they were right.

Hiei sat in the den, reading a book in a large, fluffy lounge chair. He looked up at me, and before I could even ask, he held up the book so I could see the cover title; Moby Dick. I smiled, "Why, Hiei, I didn't know you enjoyed such literature." He mock glared at me, and then looked at me in a very scrutinizing way, "What's the matter, fox?" Sometimes it annoys me that I can't hide anything from him, "Nothing to serious, my love," I say while making sure to keep the smile on my face, "I,m just a little frustrated with the fact that I can't find my blue shirt." Hiei smiled knowingly, "Let me guess; the sleeveless, silk one with the Chinese-style buttons?" I chuckled, "Hiei, you know me too well."He winked and then turned back to his book; I decided to go make some tea for him.

"Suichi dear," my mother's quiet voice seemed loud in the otherwise deathly silence of our home, "What on earth are you doing up so..." she glanced at the microwave clock, "Early?" Indeed it was much later than I had assumed; past twelve thirty. "I apologize mother," I said, my own voice low though I don't know why, "I hadn't realized how much time had gone by..." She waved it off, tying her long hair back in a ponytail while I set the now-full kettle on the stovetop. I pulled out a silver canister of lemongrass tea, and pulled out three bags; I knew my mother would drink some even if she denied wanting any. Women were indeed peculiar creatures...

Shiori had gone back to her bedroom with a full cup of tea while I went back into our small den, sitting next to Hiei on the comfortable brown chair. He smirked, setting a mark in his book before his hands went to my hips; I knew what he was doing. 'The last thing I need is his arms around my waist...he doesn't need to see how much I've really gained.' Feigning playfulness instead of the insecurity I was really feeling, I pulled away from him and smirked, running my fingers casually through my hair. It was...thinner than I remember. Strange; perhaps I need to go back to my old shampoo. 'This is why I ask mother not to buy my salon products...'

"Not now Hiei," I looked into his eyes, "Maybe some other time, ne?" He gave something as close to a pout as anyone would ever see, before it morphed into a grin, "Fine, fox. But I'm holding you to that."

...I couldn't sleep. I would lie there, listening to Hiei's breathing or perhaps his heartbeat, and for a moment I would be calm...but my thoughts always drifted. I would have to fidget simply because I felt disgusting just...lying there taking in oxygen. I wanted to run; to simply leap from the trees and sidewalks until my legs collapsed beneath me. I wanted to embrace the moonbeams. I wanted...I sighed. I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

I stood, rocking back and forth between the balls and heels of my feet. I got tired too quickly, had to stop. It made me feel fat so I started up again. Damn it! I couldn't. Everything started to hurt and my hands trembled before my eyes. Irritated, I went into the bathroom and tried my hardest not to slam the door.

I stared at the dreaded mirror; I couldn't tear my eyes from the disgusting person that stood before me. From head to toe, I looked at myself, not sure whether to laugh because of how pathetic it was or cry because I just couldn't lose that Inari-damned weight!

...I don't recall taking the blade into my hands...

It was one of those old fashioned razors; a simple blade that was attached to a wooden handle. It pops forward easily, revealing the shining metal that seemed to call to me in a demented fashion. Biting my lip, I tried it, just once. 'Just one cut, I'll see if it helps.'

I pressed it onto the outside of my forearm, a sharp sting followed by a steady stream of blood and a burning that seemed to come from the very core of the veins. My breath hitched; it hurt, it felt good...

It helped.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

"Fox?"

I could have sworn my heart stopped as I heard his voice directly outside of my room. I hid the blade within the closest drawer and drew my sleeve down, and forced myself to calmly tell Hiei that he could come in. And he didn't hesitate before doing so. He leaned casually against the doorframe, one hand moving up to rub his tired eyes. "Fox, it's almost one am, why are you up?" He didn't sound accusing or angry; just generally curious. I smiled, hoping it was convincing, praying he wouldn't notice anything unusual.�"I was feeling restless, my love," and it wasn't a complete lie,�"I needed something to do so I was going to clean up the bathroom." 

'Please believe it Hiei...' He looked suspicious, red-brown eyes narrowing as he looked me up and down.

"It smells like blood."

That very sentence almost made my heart stop. Damn it, was I that stupid! How could I not remember that he could pick up on scent so easily? I tugged at my sleeve, "Just a small nick. Nothing serious." It seemed like he stared at me for an eternity after that lie tumbled from my lips. Finally, he let out�a sigh and take my hand in his, "Just come to bed." He sounded tired. Not the 'I need sleep tired' but like he didn't want to deal with me anymore. It hurt; was I that much of a burden to him? Was I so much trouble that I was just making everyone around me suffer? I lay down slowly, pulling the covers up to my lips and turning away from him, trying to hide within the soft down of the quilts and the cold sheets. It was cold. I waited a few moments for Hiei to do something; to say goodnight; to say that he was sorry for hurting my feelings; to wrap his arm around my and kiss my neck like he used to.

But he didn't; he just lay there and slowly fell back into a calm state of sleep...

And I lay in the darkness and tried not to cry...

I awoke the next morning to my mother's voice softly telling me to wake up. Hiei wasn't here anymore and I forced my eyes to look over at the clock; it was nine am and Sunday. "I'm awake, mother," my voice sounded so hoarse. Her footsteps retreating were faster than usual. Was she upset that I slept in? "Hiei?" I rolled over to wake him...only to see that the bed was made and cold. How long ago had he left? My shoulder popped as I sat up, making pain shoot up my arm and I had to grit my teeth from surprise and the burning that followed. "That's never happened before." I stumbled into the bathroom to shower and changed, my eyes moving to the mirror now matter how much I hated it...

I don't remember if I had kissed Hiei goodbye that morning. I don't know exactly how I got to the school grounds either...the next thing I knew, my hand was on the handle of the too-wide doors that I'm sure were meant to intimidate the freshmen and amuse the seniors. But...I was a junior. So I felt nothing.

"Minamino!" I flinched at the name, the voice seeming so loud in the quiet. The smile came to my face without my permission and I turned to look at Kaitou walking calmly up the steps to greet me. "Did you study for the botany exam?" He asked, eyebrows raised in a sarcastic fashion; both of us knew I would never have to study for such a thing. I smiled, "Oh yes, for hours on end." The bell could have deafened me with its pitch, my feet moving of their accord to scrape the insides of the school; it smelled too sterile and it was too bright, filled with teenagers that were already grating my nerves with their voices...

One of the worst days of my human life. And the day wasn't over yet.

"Fox?" I tilted my head to see Hiei sitting calmly in the tree above me. "Hello Hiei." He didn't move; usually he would have slid out and embraced me by then. I didn't ask him what was wrong; he would tell me in his own time. I stood there for a moment, running my fingers over my hair and watching people walk by. "Would you like to come over, Hiei?" He wouldn't look at me. "You know, fox...I think I'd rather spend some time alone tonight." I cursed his averted gaze, at the same time thanking god that he wasn't seeing what still needed too much work. I smiled and nodded my head, "Alright then. Just don't kill anyone of importance." He smirked, "I'm not making any promises."

He turned swiftly and left.

No farewell.

No routine goodbye.

...No reassuring kiss or embrace...

I don't know how long I stood there, my mind racing from the sudden changes that he made; perhaps foolish, but my insecurity flared.

I walked home without seeing...

"Mother?" The house was quieter than I was used to; not a sound nor light from inside. A bright yellow note was taped to the refrigerator. My mother had taken Hatanaka and Suichi to dinner; since I had been unwell, they had gone without me.

I didn't need to eat; I should have been grateful that I didn't need to make an excuse for why I didn't want to go. ...But she couldn't even think to wait until I gotten home. She never left notes. It was a strange, emptying feeling.

Numbly, I ran a bath, trying to ignore the shaking of my hands as the steam created patterns before my face.

Heavy. That was the only way to describe my state. Emotionally and physically weighed down by nothing. I washed away the dirt of the day, the steam relieving my headache, and I tried not to look at the scale, which sat hauntingly in the corner of the tiled room.

I stood before the mirror, encompassing the entire wall, the steam distorting my body into a silhouette. I don't remember wiping it clean, but I could clearly see myself in it a moment later; it made me sick...but I couldn't look away. My nails dug into my stomach, all flesh and horrid fat. Dragging them sideways. Again. Again. Again.

Deep red marks bled, twins of what lay upon my arms. Kuronue's face, Hiei's eyes, my mother's voice... how many people would I hurt in these few lifetimes? How much time would I have to repent?

I pushed up the lid of the toilet, staring into the water inside and feeling my stomach clench. Feeling disgusting, pained, numb, I slipped my fingers past my lips and into the tight cavern of my throat. Painfully, a heave wrenched my body as I emptied my stomach, reveling in the pain it brought. I don't know how long I was there, thinking only of my self loathing and wanting to be empty. To be light.

...I wanted to be perfect...

** Whee! After a long wait, another chapter! ...Was it worth the wait?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Shiori POV**

I sat quietly in my comfortable brown recliner, trying to work on my crossword puzzle. Trying to keep my mind off of my family. I tried to keep my son's pained emerald eyes from appearing in my mind...I tried not to think about how I could hear him vomiting in the bathroom directly above me. I wondered what he was sick with, what he was hiding from me.

...Such a secretive child I had raised. He would tell me in his own time; he would come to me calmly and seek my advice as he always has and how I hope he always will. 4 down...F-U-N-E-R-A-L.

Slowly, I folded the paper in half, listening to the door click shut, my son whispering to himself as though there wasn't another person in the house. I wondered, briefly, if I should talk to Kazuya when he would come over the next day. Maybe I should just let Suichi take care of himself. He has for so long...

My slow trail into my bedroom seemed to take so much longer than usual. The carpet behind me was dark, and my mind was only on those haunted green eyes, the slowly fading soul behind them. Collapsing on my bed, I let tears fall down my face, thinking only of my eldest son. I had failed him; there was nothing I could do to help.

...Did Suichi feel as cold as I did that night? I lay there trying to calm my mind, wrapped tightly in a bright blue quilt. A music box tune played in my skull and I eventually threw my legs violently over the side of the bed. I had to see...

Footsteps. I stood outside his door, listening to soft thumps of slippered feet. He was pacing again. Back wall, closet, door. Back wall... Did he know? Did he realize that I know this routine; this thing he repeated for hours? My shaking hand fell to the golden knob; I didn't knock.

"Suichi?"

Startled, he turned, spinning on his heel almost dizzily to face me. "Mother," he sighed, almost tiredly, "Shouldn't you be in bed?" 

'You'd like that, wouldn't you?'

I forced myself to smile and I shrugged, shutting the door behind me, tying the sash of my robe.

What do I say? Sitting on his bed, I beckoned him to sit beside. "Do you remember your father, Suichi?" 'Do you remember family meals? When you could do things normally, not worrying about every small thing having to be perfect. Do you remember, my son?'

"Of course, mother." He didn't sound sad or mournful, or even reminiscent; it was as though he was talking about the weather instead of a man he hadn't seen since he was nine. Suichi took my hand in his, touching his lips to the knuckles in a calm kiss, "I could never forget him," he whispered, "No more than you can."

'Then how can you do this?'

I wanted to hit him and embrace him all at once. 

'How can you abuse your body in such a way, my son? Does your life, the life he cherished so, mean nothing?'

I couldn't voice my questions.

"Mother, are you alright?"

I touched his shoulder, feeling bone beneath. The baggy, but neat, clothing hid those bones so well. He was paler than I remembered. I looked into dead eyes and smiled, my eyes burning, "Of course sweetheart."

I kissed his cheek, wanting to ask questions but not daring to shatter the peace we had created. "Sleep well, dear." He nodded almost stiffly as I walked out of the room; he wanted to say something. I wanted him to; I wanted him to stop hiding so much. ...I didn't even know my own son.

"Suichi?"

Still facing the hallway, my back to him, I took a deep breath and let a tear fall down my face.

"Please know that I love you."

And, just like that ...I left.

**Kurama POV**

The room was almost too silent as she left. Her touch burned into my skin, I didn't dare to move for fear that the peace would be broken. Eventually I did; I stood and picked up a book. Turned to page 53. I began pacing again...


	7. Chapter 7

**Shiori POV  
**He was sitting outside the window again. Hiei had been in that tree for a half hour. I wondered if they had an argument and he was afraid to make amends. I looked over at the clock, not sure if I wanted to know what time it was. 11:30 pm. I sighed, resting my forehead on my palm and trying not to cry. Such a long night. I was sure the next day wouldn't be pleasant.

Turning my head to the window once more, I nodded to the dark boy sitting in what must have been a cold night. He came in like a shadow; dark, silent. "...Hiei...It's good to see you again" I greeted him, feeling slightly shy around this stoic boy.

"Shiori." 

Monosyllabic and to the point. Always Hiei. 

"Suichi is in bed right now," I hoped, "You're certainly welcome to go in and see him." 

"Hn."

There was a long moment where he just stood there, as if frozen and unsure of whether or not he should attempt to move.

"Shiori?"

I looked into the startling ruby eyes.

"...You should...spend more time with your son," awkwardly, he slid his hands into the pockets of his cloak, gazing right back at me, "He misses what you had before you stared dating Kazuya...he fears losing you to that man and a new stepson."

For a moment, I could do nothing but stare. What was he talking about? I didn't know whether or not to believe him. But, why would he lie?

He went silently up the stairs. I knew he would be stroking my son's hair as he slept, the way I used to. ...A mother can always see love...

With a sigh, I pulled an afghan off of the back of the chair, wrapping it tightly around my shoulders and praying endlessly...

**Kurama POV**  
Ten nine eight seven six five four three two one...

One two three four five six seven eight nine ten. 

Over and over again, I repeated those numbers in my head, counting the seconds back and forth as I stretched my legs, my arms, my back. I didn't want to look at my stomach, but somehow I was drawn to it. Disgusting; almost like how you don't want to look at that disfigured individual walking on the street, but it's magnetic. I stared at the fat and flesh I needed to lose. I imagined seeing the bone which lay beneath.

Kuronue's eyes flashed briefly behind my eyes; I replaced it with numbers before the tears could drown the emerald of my eyes; before the guilt would overwhelm me.

I thought of numbers, food, weight.

My weight: 116 pounds.  
Weight gain since last recorded: 4 pounds.  
Food eaten today: 1 medium peach Calories: 37 Calories from fat: 1.38 Carbohydrates: 18.87 grams [http/ was cold despite the heavy sweatshirt I wore; despite the black slacks that covered the horrible thickness of fat beneath flesh. I probed at my stomach; I hated how it felt hard. I poked and pulled my cheeks, my arms, my back...too much. I hated it all.

What would Kuronue say if he could see me? If he could look at this horrible human body that I've come to call my own?

I shook my head.

Eat fewer than 800 calories a day.  
Exercise for at least three hours a day.

Hiei's eyes, boldly red, burned through the violet. I hated his criticism, his comments that to him were so meaningless, but crushing to me. Telling me how he liked my demon body better. How I had gained weight. He hated this world; he longed for his home. ...Was everything about me wrong? Could there be nothing I could do that would ease that frustration that was born into anger within my lover? I remembered his sword gleaming as it entered my body that day; the day I protected Yusuke from the stolen Shadow Blade.

2588 jumping jacks.  
1388 lunges.  
588 squats.  
30 sit ups.  
24 push ups.  
After a shower, go downstairs and smile at my mother...

The morning routine played in my head. Evening routine was similar, but not identical. Running in the park when the lovely families had gone home. I would tell my mother a lie; I was gong to the library. I had a meeting with my biology club. She didn't know the truth.

Yusuke's smiling brown eyes.  
Yukina's worried gaze.  
Hiei's laughter, his hands on my skin.

A tear fell from my eye. I didn't bother wiping it away. Those damned violet-blue eyes that never faded. I didn't want to see them anymore. I wanted my past to be just that; I didn't want those horrible memories to haunt me anymore. I wanted to have pleasant dreams instead of recurring nightmares of one night that damaged me. I glanced at the clock.

11:49 pm. Hiei should have been here by now. My eyes followed the moonlight's trail to the garden outside. My garden was dying. I no longer had the energy to sustain it through demon methods. I didn't understand how I could be so tired. It was never like this before...

'Maybe it's all the weight you gained.'

I didn't look at my mirror; I simply folded my arms over my stomach and fell back onto my bed, listening to the creak of old metal springs.

"Kurama."

No energy to move. I called for him to come in. The door clicked shut and I turned my head to see my dark-clad demon, a smile on his delicate face and his new cloak folded neatly in his arms. The shirt accentuated his thin waist, the pants making his legs look longer. A small part of me envied that perfection he seemed to exude. That dark beauty that few could possess and carry so well. I smiled automatically.

A calloused hand ran through my hair, Hiei settling on my hips and bending to touch his lips to my own. 

"What are you smiling about fox?" 

The question only widened my smile; I wound my fingers through his soft black hair, teasing the white firework on his brow, "Just you, firefly." I could barely hear my own voice.

Tenderly, he kissed me.

...And part of me wondered what was going through his head as he settled so comfortably on my waist. I didn't look for any disgust in his eyes because I was afraid. Yoko Kurama, afraid and in complete love with a forbidden child. It would be laughable in demon world. ...But I always was weak for romance.

He looked in my eyes, as if lining a map through the green, something he would need to find somewhere down the line. Worry flashed briefly in the crimson.

"Are you alright, Hiei?"

Hesitation.

"I'm fine."


	8. Chapter 8

I couldn't sleep. Electric shocks kept running through my muscles. I closed my eyes, and felt the urge to run or walk; anything with motion. Awkwardly, I tucked a strand of hair behind my eyes, looking at Hiei, who was half-asleep.

"Your restless."

Forever observant, forever blunt...always my Hiei. I nodded; the smile came to my lips on reflex. "I'm keeping you awake?" He shook his head, resting it on my chest and tracing the bird that was embroidered into my sleeping shirt. A large burd with it's wings spread, engulfed in flames. ...Oddly, I can't remember where I bought it. Or perhaps I recieved it from someone. "I've been awake for some time now." 

I hesistated before questioning that. Was something wrong?

"I can't seem to stop worrying," he sounded torn between that very emotion and amusement, "I can't cut feelings out anymore. Not since you and Yukina." He looked up at me, and I stared into the shimmering rubies, almost aglow in the moonlight.

"And I'm worried about you, fox." He wasn't whispering anymore. His tone had risen to normality; I briefly wondered what would happen if anyone would be standing by my door at that very moment. "Worried, Hiei? You've no reason to..." A hand fell to my lips, killing my words before the sentence could be finished. "Don't tell me not to worry, damn it!" Anger burned within him. I was responsible for that. His hands gripped my shoulders, hard enough to bruise; he wanted to shake me.

"...Why can't you trust me? Why can't you just tell me what the hell is going on with you?"

What? I wanted to ask him where all this was coming from. Why he suddenly decided to bring it up.

'...You've known, haven't you, Hiei? Since you came back. The comments were to test my reaction. You knew and you wanted me to open up to you but I couldn't do it...' A tear ran down my cheek. His hands were pinning my hands beside my head now. Not as harshly as he had my shoulders only seconds ago...but it did hurt. I bit my lip and turned away, unable to face him.

Suddenly, the weight was gone. I felt cold, but relieved in the sense that I no longer feared abuse from him. Hiei's hands were clenched over his knees, sitting cross legged in front of me with his head down and shoulders shaking. ...Crying. Hiei was crying. 

"Damn it fox!" He harshly wiped at his face. "What do I have to do? What happened to make you want to do this to yourself?" 

A pregnent moment of silence passed between us, him staring at me with wet eyes and I kept my eyes on a book I needed to finish. I thought of poetry; of Edgar Allen Poe, Yehuda Amichai, Anna Akhmatova, Guillaume Appollinaire...

_'God has pity on kindergarten children,  
He pities school children -- less.  
But adults, he pities not all._

_He abandones them,  
And sometimes they have to crawl on all fours  
In the scorchin sand  
To reach the dressing station.  
Streaming with blood._

_But perhaps,  
He will have pity on those who love truly  
And take care of them  
And shade them  
Like a tree over the sleeper on the public bench._

_Perhaps even we will spend on them  
Our last pennies of kindness  
Inhereted from mother,_

_So that our own happiness will protect us  
Now and on other days...'_

It surprised me how easily I dissociated myself from that moment. How Amichai's poem recited itself within me, the words appearing in my head and repeating like a child's winding Christmas top. "Kurama?" He tried to bring me back to reality. I didn't want to. Damn it, Hiei, leave it be. Stop trying to fix me! I've been broken for so long...it's just taken you so much time to see it.

I took a deep breath and stared down at the hand gently holding mine. How easily he could break the bone, but he didn't attempt. His thumb stroked over the back, tracing veins and old scars as a well-known map. "I'm not trying to interrogate you," he sounded harsh, but there was an underlying kindness. It was like he didn't know whether to hold me or strike me. "I just want to understand... How can a person do this to themselves, so easily cause harm and not think anything of it," he took another breath, "How can you destroy yourself like this and merely think of it as a lifestyle? As a normal part of you?" I had no answer for him...

"Suichi? It's time to get up!" I didn't answer my mother's voice. I just stared at the open window. At the mockingly bright blue sky, seeming to promise a glorious day for everyone, but taunting me with an unreachable emotion. The doorknob turned andI lay back down, closing my eyes. "Suichi? Aren't you going to the library with me?" I pulled the quilt over my head, cold and just wanting to fade away. "Mother, I don't feel well. May I just stay home today?" She stood there for a moment. I could feel her eyes on me although I was beneath layers of feather down and cotton. A soft hand fell on my shoulder. "Alright dear. Feel better, okay?" She sounded so close to tears...

"Mother, is everything alright?" I pulled away from my cocoon to look into her chocolate-coffee eyes. They were wet with tears she refused to acknowldege in front of me. "Yes dear. I'll bring you back a couple books, okay? Do you need something? I can make you some soup or tea. Or maybe I could..." I shook my head, "No mother, there's nothing I need, thank you. I'm going to sleep this off." She nodded, and muttered something about mixing some pankillers in with some herbal tea. She kissed my brow and left.

She lied to me. As I have many times before when asked the loathsome 'are you alright?' she looked me in the eye and lied... Is this what it was like for Hiei? Did he feel this betrayed, worry threatening to eat him alive? I lay my head back down, biting my lip and moving my wrists back and forth, the cuts stinging as I did so. I closed my eyes, taking deep, deliberate breaths. 'Smile. When she comes in, smile and pretend you'll be fine after some rest.' I practiced to the ceiling.

A steaming mug on silver was set on my nightstand with a small clink, two white pills and a few crackers on the tray. She was smiling again; I didn't look in her eyes. How could I? "I'll be back in a few hours, dear," she told me as if I were a small child, "If you need anything at all, please don't hesistate to call me. You know my cell phone number and the emergency numbers-"

"-Are by the telephone as they have been for eleven years." I gave her another smile and kissed her hand, staring at the engagement ring that had replaced the one my human father had given her. "Please don't worry so much. You go and run your errands. Perhaps you should do something amusing, lessen some of the stress that so clearly burdens you." 

'Am I that burden, mother?'

She stared at me as though I had suddenly pulled out a gun, pointing it between her brows. How could my words have affected her so? Perhaps she herself was ill? She nodded, looking terrified, shocked; like she was going to burst into tears. "Of course dear. I'll come back this evening...perhaps afternoon. Depends on the traffic."

She touched my cheek, kissing me softly, trembling. She turned, resting her hand on the doorknob, looking over her shoulder at me with a smile. "...I love you Suichi." I smiled, trying not to sigh, "I love you too, mother."

She left without another word.

**Shiori POV  
**My hands shook as I attempted to get the key into the required car's slot. I remembered hearing him cry. Seeing dead emerald. I felt helpless as I watched my son slip into his own personal hell. I drove the car a little ways before I finally pulled off. My vision was too blurred. I sat there, the blue vehicle standing by an old pharmacy, the blinking sign missing a 'C'. I rest my head on the steering wheel as I sobbed...


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER...NINE?**

**Hiei POV  
**I was sitting in my tree, watching the cars go by unknowing of my presence. I watched people walk hand-in-hand, laughing like they had not a care in the world...

I hate them.

"Hey, hamster legs!"

I growled instinctively as I heard an all-too familiar, stupid voice that made my very skin crawl. And for gods sakes, if he was going to insult me, he may as well do so intelligently. Yusuke, Keiko, Yukina and Kuwabarra. All four of them just stood there at the base of what I had christened my tree and stared. I rolled my eyes and lazily slid out of the tree.

I stood there, staring.

They stared back.

"Well, what do you want, you buffoon?" I refrained from a worse name because my sister was there. Yusuke gave that stupid grin, hand in his pocket and jabbed a thumb behind him...at nothing. "We were going to go get a bite to eat," he said, "You want to grab Kurama and come with us?"

I felt like I'd just been injected with Novocain. Because he had the stupidity to ask me to socialize...and that he brought up Kurama. He was inviting Kurama to do something he loathed doing. I wanted to strangle him. I wanted to scream and cry and kill something barbarically.

I settled on a half-shrug. "He hasn't been well lately," Idiots, "But I can ask him never the less." I wouldn't have gone if Yukina wasn't looking at me with those damn ruby eyes; how they shined and smiled so hopefully. They walked away after telling me the address and the time I was going to meet them. I wondered how I was going to get Kurama to go along with this...

**Kurama POV  
**I counted. Endlessly, back and forth, I counted the measurements; cups of water, glasses of sugarless juice. Exercises, hours I slept. My thoughts were consumed with such things; my grades were falling.

Mother would be disappointed when the report card came...

"...Suichi?"

A small, hesitant voice muffled from outside my door. I sat at my desk, "Come in." Kokoda did so, albeit hesitantly, shutting the door with a 'click' behind him. He kept both hands on the knob. "I was wondering if you could help me with something?" I gestured to the bed and he sat down, looking down at his feet and running his tongue over his teeth in childish awkwardness.

There was a moment of silence before he opened his mouth and blurted a question I certainly did not see coming. "How do you ask a girl out?" He gave me not a second to respond. "There's this girl, Kioko, and I've been friends with her for a couple years now. I really like her but I don't want to look like a complete loser and say something like 'want to date me?'. ...Can you help me?"

I loathed his childish innocence; that whimsical mind that I had lost centuries ago. I sat there for a moment, not really thinking about what to say. Back in Makai, things were rash, sudden. Rarely did anyone mate for love, and if they did, both of them knew before taking chances. Hiei and I had been dating since I was 14... So how to answer this? I crossed my legs, curling my hand into a facing down 'c' and resting my chin on the knuckles. "Well, you're rather young to be dating, don't you think?" He glared and I forced a smirk. "I would suggest...casually asking her to a movie. See how it goes from there."

He put his hand over his eyes, "Jeez, you're so old fashioned. You remind me of mom and dad sometimes!"

'You have no idea...'

Shopping...how I hated it. Not that I expected anyone to know how much torture this was for me. I looked down at my list of twenty seven items. I tried not to look at nutrition labels...and failed. A woman stared at me as I counted calories, fats, and sugars on a pound of hamburger meat, a box of cereal...for a moment I was worried she was following me. And, for a longer moment, I wondered if she was really there.

Hiei was shadowing me, leaping from the trees as silently as a cat on carpet. I didn't call out to him; something was upsetting him. He would tell me in his own time. As I slipped the key into the lock, the paper bags feeling heavier than usual, he stopped at my windowsill. "Your welcome to go in," I didn't look up as my feet hit the carpeted area.

Tin cans full of preservative-pumped food clanged as they hit the marbled counter. My family was gone again...I didn't need to ponder where. They'd gone to Kokoda's school play. Part of me relieved...the other part jealous. I had never had two parents growing up. Mother was in the hospital; she never came to school events, parent teacher conferences. At the time I didn't care.

"Fox, your mind is heavy..." I barely heard him. I responded with numb lips. "Well," he said, I had obviously asked what he meant, "You're trying to cook yams without opening the can..." My mind awakened as if shocked with volts and I looked down to see that, indeed, there was a can of yams sitting in a pot of heating water. "Damn." He shook his head, muttering something along the lines of 'kitsune should never go sleepless' and opened the can with a knife.

"Thank you firefly," I kissed him on the cheek, "I don't know what I would do without you." I dumped the sweetened vegetables into the pot. It suddenly occurred to me that chicken and sweet potatoes didn't go well together. Well, now I had to cook something else.

Soup. Sweet potato soup would be a filling meal. And I could get by with not eating much of that because it was so filling. I read the recipe behind my eyes and I could hear Hiei's smirk. "Fox, you cook too much." I stuck my tongue out and began looking for celery...

"Suichi, this is delicious," my mother spooned a bit of the orange liquid into her mouth, a leek crunching between her teeth acutely, "But what made you change your mind, dear?" I shrugged, and looked over at the fire demon sitting beside me. I smiled to see him enjoying his meal so much. "You should cook more, Suichi." I looked at my little brother and gave him a smile, knowing my mother's voice would come in.

"Kokoda, are you saying I can't cook?"

As always. I wonder why they bother telling jokes anymore. Of course, when one has no sense of humor, such things are useless. I smiled and stirred the food around...

...He was acting so strangely. I lay there, my head propped up on my hand as I watched him lean on the windowsill, clothed in his t-shirt and shorts that were pajamas in this realm. He'd never done this before... Was I so repulsive that he couldn't stay in the bed with me?

"Hiei, you must be tired," I sat up, tightening the ribbon that held my hair back, "Why don't you sleep in the bed? I'll get out an extra futon."

"Hn."

He complied with my suggestion when I pulled the bedding out of the closet. I noticed something...off about his scent. The earthy soap I kept in the bathroom, his own scent...something else. It almost smelled like a female...

My lips parted of their own accord, a sharp breath entering my body as panic, hatred, and depression began to burrow itself within me; a moth becoming a butterfly. He had a female's scent all over him; arousal. I dropped the bedding on the floor and tried to calmly settle myself into it.

"Are you alright fox?"

Am I alright? I suspect you've just been with a woman. You've come to my house after sleeping with someone. My body is betraying me. My mother is burdened by me; her new family grows close as I slip away. And you ask if I'm alright? I wanted to binge. I wanted to throw up until I bled! Hate couldn't describe how I felt.

"Fox?"

I pulled the covers over my head, trying to keep the lump out of my throat.

"Of course, firefly. Goodnight."

There was a moment of silence where he just sat there. Although I was facing away, I could feel those fire-brimmed eyes on my back, tracing the line of my spine. I gripped my pillow and waited for him to turn the lamp out.

Several minutes passed.

My heart thumped.

His breathing was too calm.

Finally, my room was encased in darkness and I allowed a single tear to slip down my face as I resisted the urge to bleed and stick my finger down my throat.

...I didn't sleep that night...


	10. Chapter 10

"Yusuke, would you get up already??"

Atsuko looked down at the boy so soundly asleep on her couch, setting her coffee mug on the table. The spirit detective was rudely awoken by a folder full of paper to the face. "Wha-?!" He flailed, fish like, for a moment, wondering how anyone could have snuck up on him! How? "I'll kill you, son of a-oh hi mom..." The woman cocked her brow and took a deep breath, "Are you on pot?"

The neighbors downstairs heard a thud as a shocked Yusuke face-fell right into a coffee-stained rug.

"What the hell mom! You don't ask a guy that so early in the-" He glanced at the clock. 12:22 pm. "...Oh."

She snorted, straightening her pile of papers, "I'm going into an interview. I should be back around 2:00. Don't throw a party or anything. There's no booze if you tried...right in the drain, buck-o." Oh yeah... Yusuke had forgotten that his mother had quit drinking about a week back. She was more irritable than usual, but at least she was there when he came home. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he stretched and nodded to...whatever she was saying.

"And then I'm going to adopt Kuwabarra...make you guys get married or some shit."

Nod nod nod.

**Smack **

The woman sighed, yet again, as her papers connected with an obviously thick skull, "Look...just don't get into too much trouble okay?" She kissed him on the very spot she had struck, and left without another word. Yusuke sighed and put out the cigarette she had left burning. No one was perfect. He glanced over at the calendar and decided to go pay a visit to his dear mentor, Genkai. She was always glad to see him right?

"What do you want dimwit?" He grinned and shut the door behind him, "Can't I visit my favourite trainer every once in a while?" The old woman snorted, setting her mug on the table beside her. "Puu missed you," And as if the bird had been waiting for a signal, Yusuke found himself with a face full of blue fur-feathers.

"Damn bird," the light body perched perfectly on his head, tiny claws digging into his hair. "Puu!"

"So, have any of the other guys been down here?" Not looking up from her scroll, Genkai gave a single nod.

"...Who?"

"Must you be so social?" she gave him what was a smile for her, "If you must know, Hiei was up here earlier." Teenage ears perked, eyes glinting in a silent request for more information on the antisocial fire demon. "He visited with Yukina for a while, then borrowed one of my psychology books. Says he needs it to help fix a friend or something..." Genkai took a sip of her tea and waited for a response, a stupid question that would make her want to hit him.

Nothing.

"Y'know...both of them have been acting kind of weird lately," he scratched his nose thoughtfully, eyes drifting upwards to the poor lighting fixtures as if looking for the wires within the bulbs, "Kurama's been distant and giving those weird smiles. You know, those ones that don't really reach his eyes?" Pause. "And Hiei's just been...touchy. Kuwabarra mentions girls and he just goes tense. And then, yesterday, when we mentioned cheating on people-" "Infidelity, Yusuke," she corrected him. "Yeah...that. He snapped at both of us to shut up and then ran away." The young detective muttered something about demon hormones as Genkai finished the rest of her tea, not offering insight...

**  
Scene-Kurama POV**  
He was distancing himself from me again. He had come over to my house, sure, but he hadn't embraced me or kissed me like he used to. He just said hello and perched on the windowsill, book open against his knees. I watched his ruby eyes take in the words for a few minutes. I wondered if I should ask him what was wrong. ...But I couldn't. I was being enough trouble as it was. If he was upset, he would tell me in his own good time. But the questions of his faithfulness towards me kept running through my mind; suspicion on steroids, one could say. But if I asked, that would make me sound paranoid, untrusting; I would be the one in the wrong and that would only make him upset.

...I don't think I could bear it if I pushed Hiei away. I bit my lip, pulling my baggy sweater down further, the material falling just short of my thighs. Even my largest clothes felt too tight now. All gazes felt scornful, judgmental. I wonder how many people look at me and talk about how Suichi Minamino gained a gut. How a person can go from being attractive to a damned blimp in such a short amount of time. Or maybe I'm not that important; maybe no one sees me.

"Fox?"

Too quickly, I looked over at the dark firefly who had been stone since he got here. "You're energy's going haywire again. It's giving me a headache," he stretched, the bottom of his shirt pulling up to reveal a part of that perfect stomach, "Either tell me what's bothering you or meditate." I smiled...and hoped it looked convincing. "I apologize Hiei. It's my exams. They're making my thinking slightly off." I turned back to my book, ignoring the itching beneath my skin. The urge to embrace him and let my freezing body be warmed like it used to by his youki. ...An even deeper urge to go to the scale again, even though I knew the numbers would put another weight against my heart. I wondered why I bothered anymore.

"...Hiei?"

"Hn."

I hesitated, making a circle on my paper with a too-bright blue pen, "I don't want you to feel like you have to stay here. If you want to leave then I won't stop-" A sudden rush of air against my back was the indication that Hiei had leapt out the window at that exact moment. I bit my trembling lip. I had told him to go...I expected him to tell me to shut up and stop making foolish statements.

I wondered if he would come back smelling like women again... 

I wanted to throw up. I wanted to stick my finger down my throat so badly I couldn't stand it. I sat there, alone, at the breakfast table, struggling with the pancake and sausage that my mother had generously decided to cook. I damned the vacation and took another agonizing bite. "Suichi, are you sick?"

She'd been asking that so much lately...but she sounded off when she did so. She sounded like she knew I was lying; she knew there was something wrong but she couldn't ask me outright. I wondered how much she knew, but at the same time, I didn't want to know.

"No mother," I smiled, "It's just a bit too salty for me, that's all. And Im not all that hungry." As I knew would happen, a soft hand that could only belong to a mother fell to my forehead, looking for a fever that would not be there. "Well, you don't feel warm," the back of her hand trailed down to rest on my cheek, "Why don't you go relax, my son. I'll finish up here and wrap your breakfast up for you." Her lips touched my brow and guilt became a stone in my stomach.

I hated myself... I had put her through so much...I didn't deserve the kindness she was giving me.

"Thank you mother."

The slick cream tile formed into plush carpeting beneath my bare feet.

"...Hello Kokoda."

I took a seat on the recliner to the left of the sofa, where my younger brother was watching some horrid space alien movie. "Hey Suichi." That was it. I was suddenly grateful for the short answer, no questions asked. The mind of a teenage human boy, focused completely on violence and...half-naked purple skinned women? What on earth? With a sigh, I grabbed the remote from his hand and switched it to the cartoons I used to be forced to watch as a child; the kind with cats trying to kill mice with ridiculously oversized wooden mallots.

"What the hell?"

I smirked and glanced at him, my finger resting on the channel key, "I wouldn't let your father or," I paused briefly, "Mother hear you talk like that, Kokoda-chan. Might earn a smack upside the head." I couldn't get used to calling my mother his mother. It felt so strange. "Yeah yeah," he held his hand out, "Can I at least change it to something that has dialogue?" I carelessly tossed it back and, as I knew he would, he changed it right back to the horrid aliens. Hopeless child.

I sighed and stood, wanting to go back into my room and read a good book.

...But something was...off. My arms didn't have much strain as I pushed against the arms of the chair. My body raised easier...I felt somewhat lighter than I used to.

I hid the smile that came to my face...

**Whoo, another chapter! I hope this one was satisfactory to you readers I tried adding some humor this time so I don't depress you guys and make you want to stop reading...Did it work?? Are you still there?  
Anyways, I'm pretty proud of this chapter, uneventful as it may be. Our fox is sinking even deeper...  
Please review if you have the moment **


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER ELEVEN...I think. My counting got messed up somewhere.**

**Hiei POV**  
Tick...tick...tick

My eyebrow was twitching as I listened to the utter silence of my room. I don't even remember why I got the damn thing.

...That;s right... Kurama gave it to me for Christmas last year. I remembered the broken aura that lingered around him, the deep-rooted sadness he harbored within the emerald. I tried to replace that image; I could practically hear him crying, the way he tried to hide the forced vomiting, the redness of his broken blood vessels. He was hurting so badly, and part of me wanted nothing more than to shake him, tell him to get over the past. To stop hurting himself this way. And the other half just wanted to die because he knew. I was part of the reason he was hurting so badly!

"Hiei?"

I looked to my side, into amethyst eyes that shone brightly; her cheeks were flushed with passion, her lips still somewhat swollen. The only thing hiding her body was a thin sheet. "Are you feeling okay?" I almost flinched; Kurama always asked me that.

"Fine Aya," I sighed, adjusting the sheets around my own hips, "Just a little tired." Ayame smiled lightly and rest her head on my chest, long lines drawing patterns, playing connect the dots with my scars. Her bright blue hair, usually neatly tied up in a bun, was a messy halo around her head. I played lazily with a lock, listening to her soft, somewhat sloppy humming. Not really a tune...just notes put together.

Sighing, I adjusted the pillow behind my head, running my fingers through my hair even though I knew not a hair would be out of place. I couldn't mess it up if I tried. "Sleep Ayame," I climbed out of the bed, grabbing my scattered clothing, "I'll be back later."

I left before she could answer.

...I needed to look into the eyes that haunted me. I needed to tell him the truth somehow...

**Scene (Kurama POV)**  
Back and forth I paced my room, glancing at the television and my door; not focusing on what was really going on. I looked at the mirror in my room, the one that I don't remember buying or receiving. I would look at my body no matter how much I hated doing so and Hiei's face would fade in and out of my mind's eye. His disgusted expression, his averted eyes. I wondered why; but I knew. Was being the lover of a thief, a murderer, a whore too much for him? Was he embarrassed to be seen with me, or was he disgusted? I bit my nails again, my feet beginning to drag, legs aching but my heart hurting much more.

I listened to my family's laughter in the den below me.

...They didn't need me. I was a senior in high school; I would be leaving soon and they would be an absolutely perfect family. A child who loved them, who was succeeding, who was normal and human and everything they could ever want. I almost cried at the thought of my mother forgetting me. ...But she deserved to be happy. She didn't need me around to burden her.

My feet touched the cold windowsill, the window always open so the cold would help with the calories I needed to burn even as I slept, and I looked up at the stars, the moon hidden behind the dark clouds. I almost looked for Hiei. It was past eleven thirty. ...No one would come for me until the next morning when I would be told it was time to go to school although it wasn't needed.

My mother laughed with Kazuya...

My feet were bloody, my body sore and lungs burning. I wasn't crying even though I felt barely a moment from doing so.

Kuronue.

Yomi.

Hiei.

Shiori.

People I had lost. People I was losing right at this moment. Screaming, crying; embracing me, telling me they loved me. My mother said that so many times; there was too much she didn't know. Guilt, burdens, horrible memories, crippling emotions. There was an eternal weight, tied to my heart with barbed wire. It never faded, never vanished...

Kuronue...

I collapsed on a park bench, gasping for air, my hands resting on my quacking knees. I felt nauseous. I felt my arms burn.

I screamed.

My nails dug into the flesh. Crimson dripped down, a child's finger paint. I hated myself, my body, my soul... Deeper I dug my nails in, the tips sharpening into claws almost on their own. ...My hair began to bleed white and my teeth felt like they would shatter from the clenching of my jaw.

"Make it stop!" I sobbed up at the inked sky, "Please gods, make it stop. ...I can't do it anymore."

Panting, bleeding, crying.

"...Please, just let me die..."

**Scene**

**Shiori POV**  
My head lay on Kazuya's chest, listening to his heartbeat as his eyes scanned the book beside him. I played with my engagement ring. In a few weeks...it would be a marriage ring. I thought about my Suichi, and Kokoda who would become my legal child. ...I thought about my first husband, the car that killed him. The phone calls, the mourning, the recovery...

I wondered how well Suichi recovered. Did he ever forget his father? He was so young...but he seemed so well in terms of memory.

"Shiori?" I looked up into the coffee eyes, the reading glasses on his nose, "You're so quiet. Usually you would be lecturing me about reading law books at this hour." Laughter in his voice and I smiled. "It's fine dear. I'm just...thinking." He sighed, and whispered that the more I thought, the worse it would be for him. "About my son," I corrected him sternly, "And yours, who will become mine." A sigh found it's way out of my chest, "...I'm wondering about Suichi's health. He's been so depressed lately, so thin."

"...I know."

He closed his book with a quiet sound, setting it on the nightstand as he embraced me, "He's on your mind a lot, isn't he?"

I didn't answer.

Did I worry too much? Was I overprotective? He wasn't a baby anymore...even if I did consider him my baby. "Shiori, maybe we should," he hesitated, as if telling me that I wasn't going to like his opinion, "Make an appointment with a psychiatrist."

I shot upwards, resting on my arm and sending him a nasty glare that I would later regret, "I will not send my son to one of those...those..." I couldn't even think of a terminology, "I won't let him be labeled crazy!" He gave me a look that needed no words. "...He doesn't need it," I sighed, forcing my angry words down, "He doesn't need to be examined. He will be fine. He's going to be fine...!"

There was an eerie silence, and I heard Suichi's window creak open in the room beside us. He sobbed and laughed; I could practically see him grabbing desperately at his hair as if trying to hold onto his very sanity.

I knew he would be smiling tomorrow.

"...He'll be fine," I whispered again.

...Somehow I couldn't even believe myself...

**Ugh. I don't like this chapter as much as the other ones. I've got bronchitis so if this chapter is different than the others in any way, it's because I'm doped up on cough syrup and depression pills.  
Hope you liked it anyways.**


	12. Chapter 12

**_CHAPTER TWELVE_**

**Kurama POV  
**  
I stared at the empty boxes and crumpled bags, feeling absolutely horrible and numb at the same time. My mother was at work, Kazuya was with Kokoda at the mall, Hiei was in Makai with _her._ And here I was, binging and losing control and trying my hardest not to scream. My stomach ached, feeling heavy and bloated, a water balloon beneath my baggy shirt. I didn't bother to clean up. I wanted the food out of me! I hated it; I wanted it.

I don't know why I locked the door when I was alone. I don't know why I was so careful not to make noise. Perhaps it was force of habit. Perhaps it was a subconscious gesture to keep those that did not exist from knowing. No one could ever know.

My fingers trembled as I found myself in that familiar position, my knuckles white from my grip on the seat I had put up to make it easier. I stared at my reflection in the porcelain; I hated myself. I loathed what was doing but I couldn't stop and part of me didn't even want to. I needed the starvation and the blood.

My nails scratched the already torn tissue of my throat; my chest and stomach were absolutely on fire as the binge came up. The sound of my retching just made my gagging worse. I was disgusted with myself, but I needed to do this. I sobbed as I thought of Hiei; his kisses, his rough hands against my skin and the softness of his lips. Of the scent that clung to him; how beautiful, how perfect his new woman must be. I imagined her with a slim waist line, breasts that were neither too large nor too small, perfect curves and long willowy legs. I imagined her with unscarred arms and a show-stopping smile.

...And then there was me; the demon pretending to be a human. My hair was too red, my eyes too large for my face. I hated my large hips, my bulging thighs. I hated my past, what I had become, what I used to be... I was repulsive, inside and out.

Why would he want someone like me?

I raised my head, dry eyed and flat-mouthed. I flushed my emotions away along with the binge. My limbs felt heavy, my throat like sandpaper. There was a horrible pain in my chest, a knife with every breath I took. The tears came and I wanted to scream.

Instead, I forced the smile I had spent so long perfecting...

**Hiei POV**

I stood quietly outside his house. I needed to go in... He needed to know. I needed to see him face to face and tell him.

...But I didn't want to see him cry. I didn't want to know that I would be the reason for his further path down self destruction. Such an odd feeling; to be torn between two things that are so obviously wrong.

There was a pregnant moment when all I could do was stand there on the sidewalk, ignoring the people watching me from their windows. I listened to my pounding heartbeat and watched his silhouette behind the thin curtain. He was sitting at his desk, turning pages much too quickly to be actually reading.

I thought of Ayame.

My feet hit the windowsill and, not bothering to knock, I opened the glass.

"Hiei?"

**Kurama POV**

"Hiei?"

The book fell with a soft thump to the hard wood of my desk. He was the last person I expected to come. Part of me wanted to kill him for showing his face.

"What brings you here?"

He sat down on my bed, not taking his boots off for the first time in a while. Stoically, he looked at me. Not a trace of sadness nor nervousness. "There's something I need to talk about. And I don't want you to interrupt me when I do because I won't be able to start over. Got it?" I could only nod, feeling afraid of knowing what could be so important to Hiei.

Almost casually, he leaned against the wall, katana set against his shoulder. "I haven't...been faithful to you, Kurama..." He'd practiced this; it was obvious from his robotic tone. But his ruby eyes were cast downwards, unable to meet my own. Of course I knew this. I'd known he'd been with a woman for a long time...but it hurt to hear him say it, somehow. "...Oh?" What was I supposed to say? 'I know, and have for a while'? There was another moment of silence. He was looking at my wall, counting the lines, the places where I needed to repaint to make the room absolutely even.

"I know, Hiei." I didn't think before I said it. He looked surprised; is that how I looked when he asked if I'd gained weight those weeks ago? Or was it months? Time loses it's meaning when there's nothing but misery. "You..." I nodded and turned away, looking at the pile of books.

"I think you should go now."

The window slammed shut before I could say goodbye...

**Scene**  
Drip...

Drip...

Drip...

Numbly, I stared at the showerhead from my position at the bottom of the tub. Small drops created musical noises as it hit the surface. I didn't have the motive to move and adjust the knobs. I flexed my cold fingers. The steam was making my head hurt, but still my nail beds were more blue than the healthy pink the used to be. I played with the blade I'd taken from an old razor...

"Suichi?"

I almost groaned when I heard the door creaking open, my stepfather's boisterous voice. I knew his son was with him...somehow I didn't care. I dragged the sliver of metal over the inside of my arm, watching beads of blood rise to the surface. Reopen, and those beads become steady lines. It's art, really, to open human flesh; so fragile...-

"Damn!"

I cursed as a loud rapping at the bathroom door broke my concentration. "What the hell do you want?" ...My voice was harsh. I'd never cursed at my stepfather before. I didn't care. "Suichi, what are you doing in there?"

I put my hand to the deeper wound, caused by my arm jarring in surprise. "I'm bathing." I tried not to call him an idiot, "And you banging at the bathroom door like a Neanderthal is not at all aiding in my attempt to relax. Now please go away!" His soft-spoken stepson yelled at him. Poor Kazuya must be so very shocked. Should I have felt guilt? I looked down at the wound, the blood seeping from between my fingers. It streaked like a sick tattoo.

I never bothered bandaging it...

**Whoo! Finally updated --; Sorry it took so long. I've been having personal issues lately! I seem to have alot of those. I certainly hope this chapter was worth the wait :D**

**...And for those of you who are not reviewing but favoriting and alerting...why? It doesn't take that long to type 'I liked it, please update'. :( It makes me sad!**


	13. Chapter 13

I sat quietly in the car, ignoring the fact that my mother had just run a red light and trying to just focus on the words of the song.

"Everywhere I go, and  
Everybody knows  
To love you  
Is to be part of you.  
I payed for you with tears  
I swallowed all my pride.  
Beautiful stranger..."

Ugh. My mother looked at me strangely as I slammed my finger on the seek button, changing it to the calming sound of a cello.

"...Suichi?"

I turned away from her, hoping she would let my sour attitude slide this time.

She didn't.

"Suichi, I hate it when you do this!"

She turned the corner harshly, the tires squealing against pavement that had been there for too many crashes. "Why don't you let anyone in? Why do you have to pretend nothing is wrong when-"

Silence. I looked at her wedding ring, the white knuckled hands practically cemented to the steering wheel.

"...When what, mother?"

She took a deep breath and turned another corner, smoother this time. "When it's so obvious that your suffering, Suichi." I stared at her still, my brow furrowed. How long had she known? Was she even talking about what I thought she was, or was she wrong, thinking she knew everything when she only saw a shadow?

"I heard you throwing up."

...

It felt like someone kicked me in the gut, set a cement block on my chest. I wanted to run. I couldn't even talk. What was I supposed to say?? How do I--

"Inari!" I cried out when the car came to a literal screeching stop at the side of the road. A truck ran by us and I was assaulted with fear, hate, relief...and an undying urge to run. "Mother, what are you thinking?!" I tried to breathe through the panic, "We could have been killed!" There was a moment when all we could hear was my heavy breathing and the cello that was still on the radio's channel.

"...How can you say such a thing, Suichi?" She undid her seatbelt, the material sliding back with a sound similar to a zipper on a pair of new jeans. "How can you lecture me on being killed when your doing this to yourself?!"

I had nothing to say. The only thoughts running through my mind were 'she knows, run away, she'll hate you...she knows' I looked at the locked door on my side. I counted the flecks of dirt on the window.

"Suichi Hatanaka, look at me right-"

"Minamino!" I snapped at her for one of the first times in my life. When did I become so disrespectful? "I refuse to bear the name of that man, he isn't my father!"

She was too angry to be hurt by my insult to her fiance.

"Don't you dare raise your voice to me!" Her eyes shone with tears through the anger. "You have no right to correct me when you sit there, being destroyed by these ridiculous habits! Those...those pointless thoughts that have no truth!" Her voice hurt my ears.

I looked out the window, trying to control my breathing through the weight inside. I tried not to break down in front of her.

"You're going to see someone about this."

It felt like a car crash of emotion had just occurred in my head. Hatred, shock, fear...a strong urge to binge and cut deeper than I ever had before.

I didn't speak a word on the car drive home...and she screamed at me from downstairs as I slammed my door shut. 

I buried my face in my cold pillow and let out a shriek of horror and anger; I kept thinking of Hiei. What he'd done to me...what I had done to us.

I stared with bloodshot eyes at the small white bottle on the bathroom counter, the friendly purple label and the bold warning that I would ignore: Take two for short term relieve of constipation. Do not overdose. The cap came up with a loud snap. I decided to take four.

It didn't work fast enough; I took two more. Something I wish I never did. I found myself attacked by horrible stomach cramps. I suddenly remembered my fight with Roto, the way he repeatedly kicked me in that very spot. Unable to breathe, I clutched at my sides and tried to keep the garnet from my mind. I didn't know which one of us I hated more...

**A/N: For the sake of decency, I am skipping Kurama's experience with laxative overdose. If you would like to have it in here, I can edit it in later. Let me know**

"Suichi?" I stayed silent, sitting in my freezing bathroom with my arms folded over my stomach; a feeble attempt at keeping the horrid stabbing pain at bay. I was afraid; I couldn't breathe, my skin was tingling.

"Suichi, what are you doing in there?!"

The irritated voice of Kokoda sent a wave of frustration through me. He had horrible timing. I wanted to hit him. The door handle rattled above my head. "Would you hurry up? I need to go." He muttered something about me being 'such a girl'. He couldn't have known how much I hated those comments. I turned the bathroom fan on.

"Just a moment please."

Ever the polite one; that's what I had to be. Such a horrible position to be in. The moment I show any kind of anger to anything I turn into 'the bastard' or I'm suddenly crazy. I've backed myself into a wall of perfection and now I'm stuck there with rusted nails.

...Perfection is where this road to hell began...

**Short. Only 967 words --; I hope you liked it anyways. Shiori will be in the next chapter much more I hope I didn't offend anyone with this chapter. I also hope anyone else suffering from SI/ED weren't triggered by this.  
Please review if you have time  
Thank you so much for reading!  
--Yoko**


	14. Chapter 14

**If you in any way find stories and description of EDs disturbing or triggering, please don't read this. If you do, don't blame me.  
If you've read this far, you should know it's about Kurama. I KNOW KURAMA WOULD NOT ACT LIKE THIS IN THE SERIES. That's because he doesn't have one and if you've read past chapter one you would know that by now. So stop flaming me about OOCness because it's a load of crap.  
If you have enjoyed it, I hope you like this chapter Thank you  
--Yoko**

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

It was silent. I hated silence with my mother; one of us started yelling or crying as soon as it started to be comfortable. Most of the time it was her that broke it.

I had a horrid sense of deja vu sitting in the passenger's side of the car. I stared at the lines we killed as she drove too quickly down the road to where the counselor would be waiting in an office by an old insurance company or perhaps a bank. They always were near places that handle money. Yet another reason to loathe them. We stopped in a parking lot occupied by two other cars.

I hated it already.

"Please, give her a chance, Suichi."

There was something in her voice. She almost sounded...regretful. Like she didn't want to do this. I suddenly felt sick as I thought of the money this must have been costing her. I wanted to say I'm sorry. To tell her that I would stop and never do this again.

...I wanted to lie to her.

The room contained a large pot with a dying tree, two leather chairs, and a plain brown sofa. An abstract painting hung on the far wall, near a bookshelf where a stereo sat. I suppose that was to make the patient feel comfortable as they were emotionally dissected. I wanted to laugh at the stupidity of the situation. Did my mother honestly think that talking to a stranger would help? ...Did she think I would stop?

A woman stepped out from an adjoining room, looking absolutely cliche with her clipboard and square glasses. She had an olive complexion and black hair tied up in a tight bun. Her shirt was, of course, a white button up and she wore black slacks.

I hated her smile.

"Mrs. Hatanaka," I hated her new name, "My name is Gloria Miralez. It's nice to meet you." So she was Hispanic. She turned to me as if on a pedestal and outstretched her hand, "Suichi. Good to finally see you." Finally? I shook her hand as was expected of me. How long had my mother and Kazuya been planning this? Suddenly self conscious, I tugged at the bottom of my hooded sweatshirt. It felt too small. My wrists began to itch and burn. They were conversing but I didn't pay attention. Hiei kept going in and out of my mind.

Kuronue's screams hurt my ears-

"Suichi?"

My hands snapped down at my sides and I nodded to the woman. Where had my mother gone? I heard the car pull away and suddenly felt very dense. How long had I been standing there like a fool? Gloria beckoned me to sit on the chair across from her. The leather creaked loudly and I wondered what happened to normal cloth. I rested my elbows on the heavy arms of the chair and rested my laced fingers over my lips, watching her as intently as she watched me. I was going to return the favor and analyze her.

"Suichi," she repeated calmly, "Do you want to start?" I shrugged because I obviously didn't want to be there, but my mother had paid for the other 59 minutes I would be spending here. I wasn't going to waste her time and money anymore.

"Do you like school?"

I crossed my legs and brought my hands down to rest on my lap, "I suppose. How many teenagers find it enjoyable?" She gave a smile at what was not supposed to be a joke. "Do you get along well with your teachers? Peers?"

I told her that I found my classmates annoying aside from Kaitou. I also told her that I liked my teachers fine. Did this woman expect me to open up like an early flower, show her my scars and vulnerability just like that? I would not roll over and expose the white of my throat. Not without a struggle.

"Suichi, you know I can't help you if you don't talk to me..."

I didn't need help! I needed people to let me be. I needed Kuronue. I needed perfection...

I sighed and looked at my nails, "I know."

...So I talked...

**A/N: You'll find out what he said in another chapter. Yes this one was really short. It was supposed to be...keep you on your toes**


	15. Chapter 15

**Whoo! Yes, my lovely readers, a new chapter from me Sorry it took so long. I got another shot of sudden inspiration. I might be busy for a while because my sister's graduating so I can't tell you how smooth my updates will be. as if they were in the beginning. Anyways, I think you guys will like this chapter. I'm getting a more solid line to follow now. Thank you so much **

**--Yoko**

"Ms Miralez," I said quietly, straightening an old magazine on her table, "Did my mother tell you exactly why she brought me here?" She nodded, resting her chin on the back of her hand as if I was saying something actually worth hearing,

"Yes, she did. Do you want to tell me what you think of this? Perhaps...why you think you're here?"

My voice wasn't working as quickly as my mind; for some reasons the words wouldn't come out as sharply as I wanted them to.

"I think I'm here because my family worries for no reason," her pen was annoyingly loud against the wooden clipboard, "They should be worrying about more important things."

"Do you think your important, Suichi?"

I turned my head to force our eyes together, hoping her soul would writhe beneath the intensity of my gaze.

"Why does that matter? Will my answering that get me away from these ridiculous sessions?" She gave what could have been a tired sigh. I picked up the previously crooked magazine.

It had too many recipes in it...

"Suichi, do you want to be here?"

"Gloria," I gave her a sarcastic half-smile, "How long have you been working here? If long enough...then I believe you should know the answer to that."

She smiled back, "Yes I suppose so."

Meaningless conversation that can only come from therapy.

Then she asked the one question I absolutely loathed to answer.

"Do you think your fat?"

She said it without hesitancy, without warning. She didn't sugar-coat it. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. The leather chair creaked loudly once again when I shifted. I quietly dug my nail into my knuckle.

"You don't have to answer that if you don't want to...but I think it will help if you open up a little."

I looked at the bland color of the walls, the way one of my shoelaces was slightly longer than the other. I had the sudden urge to fix it, along with the crooked lampshade behind the woman who was paid to be mentally intrusive. I felt like I was naked, being examined and judged by someone who only knew what she had been told in college. She didn't know me.

Had my teeth always been that sharp? I tasted blood as the tip of my tongue scraped over a canine.

"Suichi, this is going to seem sudden," of course it would be, they always were when such warnings were given, "But I think that, after we get to know each other, we should have your family come in. I think you might find it beneficial to your case."

...My case? Now she was a social worker?

"What did my mother tell you?" I raised my eyes to focus on her, the reflections of light on her thin lenses. "How much do you really know about why I'm here?"

"She tells me that...you've been distant. Depressed. You've been cutting and refusing to eat." Her voice was soft; did she think our eardrums would shatter? Perhaps they would. In my mind's eye, a pendant swung back and forth. A tormented scream threatened to shatter my very skull.

...Kuronue...

"I've...put her through too much," I whispered, looking down at my nails. Had they always looked that brittle, the tips cracking? "She deserves a better son than I...Kokoda makes her happy in ways I never could." It suddenly occurred to me that I had said that last part aloud when I hadn't meant to. I cursed the atmosphere that had caused me to let my guard down.

"What do you think of Kokoda? Do you two get along?" Her voice was gentle.

Forty five minutes left...

**Scene**

"Suichi," my mother's voice was eager as I shut the car door; did she think I would come out of that room, that office, magically healed? "How did it go dear?"

Her eyes were bloodshot. ...I hated it when she cried. Yet, they held such a sickening hope.

"Just fine mother. But I would like to go home now," I gave her a weak smile, "Talking is more tiring than it looks."

"Oh?" The tires scratched the rocky pavement beneath us. I watched that little white building disappear and wondered who she was talking to now. Who was sitting where I just was, feeling like they were considered insane? Were they there of their own will?

We listened to Maria Callus on the drive back...

**Scene**

The moment I entered my home, I wanted to run. I found myself staring right into a pair of brown eyes, sorrow reflecting off the surface in a way that I'd seen too often. It was sickening.

I smiled.

"Yusuke. What brings you here?"

I slipped my shoes off and hung my coat on the rack. When had they moved it to the left side of the doorway? He gave me a smile, "What, a guy can't come and visit his friends every once in a while?" I cocked my eyebrow. "Oh...and there was free food." My smile felt painful, strained and making my teeth ache. I wanted to go into my room and be alone. I wanted to become the wind, running endlessly to nowhere, unseen, weightless, beautiful...

I led Yusuke upstairs to my room. The moment I entered, I turned Hiei's picture over, face down on my dresser. He gave me a sarcastic grin, "It's so clean...how shocking." Something was off in his tone. He was keeping something from me.

"Well, some of us have some standards of health, Yusuke."

I could have laughed at the irony of that.

He fell backwards onto my bed, locking his arms behind his head as he leaned his body against the headboard. I myself took a chair, feeling like I was being examined...again. I pulled my sweater down so it hung to the tops of my legs. The hood made my neck feel heavy. I yanked my hair into a too-tight ponytail. It made my head ache but I didn't care somehow. All I could focus on was that gaze; he seemed upset. Not angry though. That was a nice change.

He was quiet. I hated the way he was looking at me; like I was on display for him to critique. Was he doing so?

"Yusuke, was there something you needed?" I gave him a quiet smile. His breath escaped him slowly.

"Yeah, actually. And you're probably going to hate me for this, but I'm not speaking just for me. I'm also here for Keiko, Kuwabarra, Yukina...you know." He took a deep breath.

"Promise you won't bail out on me before I can finish?"

With a nod, I leaned backwards into the chair, mentally bracing myself as best I could...


	16. Chapter 16

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

**A/N: I am SO SORRY for the long wait. I feel so bad. I've been working on videos more than this. I got a few things sorted out, but I'm still having some trouble with the oh-so-cliche unrequited love. I got more sudden inspiration on this so bear with the suddeness. It'll all make sense eventually! Anyways than you all SO much for your support and kind reviews. Much love to all.  
--Yokocw**

"Kurama, we're worried about you."

He didn't call me 'fox boy'. When had he stopped saying that?

"You never eat, you don't come with us anymore and when you do you're spaced out... You're cutting, you're obviously depressed and you're mom's been out of it worrying about you as much as we have."

...He'd rehearsed it. Part of me went numb. The other part was feeling everything. Anger, depression, betrayal, loathing, love, hate. It made my chest burn. I wasn't even trying to smile.

"Kurama?"

What the hell did he want me to say?! Was I supposed to apologize, tell him I would stop? They didn't know...they couldn't understand why.

"...Yusuke?" my voice was harsh, "How did you know about the cutting?" He didn't answer. Hiei told them. How many times was he going to betray me?? When would he stop hurting me? My teeth ached from being crushed together. I avoided his gaze and turned in a sharp circle to look out my window, my breath coming in unevenly. I hated them for knowing. I hated myself for being so stupid, so obvious in my pain. I hated my mother for her forced therapeutic sessions...I hated myself because everything was my fault.

My blood burned in my torn veins, my head felt like it was made of iron; my joints ached. "Yusuke, you should leave."

"...Why?"

He sounded mildly accusing. I wanted to scream at him; tell him I was in agony. That I hated the alienation he was putting me through though I felt it daily.

"Suichi?"

I didn't acknowledge Yoko. He was already taking over, his warmth seeping into my bones like a mother's embrace. I wasn't sure whether to be angry or grateful. My vision tunneled, Yusuke called my name.

...Then nothing.

**Yoko POV**  
I faded in and out for a moment as our bodies changed. I was looking into Yusuke's shocked eyes. I shouldn't have had to explain what happened to him; but I did anyways, if only for the sake of breaking the horrid silence.

"Suichi can't handle this right now."

"...When's he coming back out?"

Well, the boy certainly didn't avoid voicing his thoughts. I didn't know whether or not to scold or commend him for that. I sighed, feeling lightheaded, "When he feels safe."

No one really knew when that would be. Would he ever be safe? Would he accept who he was, the past that haunted him day and night? I leaned against the cold wall, pulling my quilt over my lap. I felt cold and the sweater Suichi had worn felt too small for me, despite how baggy it had been on him.

"Why the fuck is he doing this?" His voice hurt my ears and made my heart ache; filled with such pain, naОve to the pain my human was feeling. And what hurt worse was that I didn't have a stable answer for him.

"He can't handle it Yusuke," I put my hand on his trembling shoulder, "Everything is piling up and this is his coping mechanism. It's all he has." I knew he still wouldn't understand. It wasn't in his nature; he felt that he should fix his friends. It was one of his most admirable features...and, in this situation, one of the most annoying. My human couldn't be fixed until he was willing to change himself.

...I just wondered what it would take to make him do that...

"Kurama?" He was looking out the window, hand resting on the heavy curtains.

I sighed, feeling tired, "Yes, Yusuke?"

"...Tell Kurama that I'm here if he needs it. When he wakes up." He was uncomfortable saying that; and it meant a lot that he was making an effort. I smiled through the heavy feeling, "Of course Yusuke." He embraced me quickly, and left before I could say or do anything further.

"...Yusuke Urameshi you're quite the character." With a sigh, I turned to the full length mirror that Suichi hated...and looked into each morning and evening. Vanity and low self esteem were closer than one would assume. My body had been affected by his abuse; I was thin, dark circles beneath my eyes. I looked sick, and there was only one way to heal. Something Suichi wasn't willing to do.

...So I was going to do it for him.

The air sent a chill through my spine, the tile like a frozen lake beneath my bare feet. I wrapped my robe tighter around my body, praying to the gods that no one would wake up and find me. ...That would be heard to explain. My stomach rumbled noisily and I winced at the pain. "Suichi, you're more trouble than your worth." With a sigh, I opened the pantry and quietly began taking out food...

**Scene**

**Suichi POV**  
My head and stomach hurt. With a groan I burrowed deeper beneath the quilts I had piled atop me during these nights that were cold to only me. With a sigh, I wrapped my arms around my pillow and tried to focus on something other than the pounding in my head and...

...and the pain in my stomach.

My body shot upwards on it's own, like someone had pulled a trigger inside of me. Sharp pain followed by a rumble and warm feeling spread throughout my gut. Emotions assaulted me; rage, shame, sadness. 'Yoko what the hell were you thinking?!' He wasn't awake, or he was ignoring me. Such a shame; I wanted to scream at him for binging my body. He was undoing everything.

"Suichi," Kokoda entered my room without knocking, "You slept in...bad." For the first time, I looked at the clock and groaned. It was almost seven thirty. "Yes," I sighed irritably, "I know." I shouldn't have been mad at him, but I didn't think about him. I wasn't thinking about anything, really. Sluggishly I pulled my robe on and, with a smile, he closed my door.

I combed my hair and dressed robotically, not thinking about anything. I was dreading school. I didn't want to face Kaitou, my mindless so-called 'fanclub' those people that hated me, teachers with suspicious gazes. I glanced at the clock again. Seven thirty four. I had to be there by eight o'two.

...No one would notice if I missed a day or two...

**Shiori POV**  
The computer's screen was too bright. I listened to the daily water-cooler talk of my coworkers and thought of everything and nothing all at the same time. My thoughts kept drifting to Kokoda and Suichi, Kazuya and those awkward dinners that seemed to love our family so much. My fingers felt cold as I typed in a search term.

'Anorexia Nervosa'

**Next chapter is in progress :) Thank you all for your patience. Sorry for the shortness of this chapter though**


	17. Chapter 17

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

**Shiori POV still**

My eyes shot back and forth across the pages, trying to read it all too fast. Pictures of sick-looking girls with dead eyes. I clicked on a link—"What Is Anorexia Nervosa?"

'A person with anorexia (a-neh-RECK-see-ah) nervosa, often called anorexia, has an intense fear of gaining weight. Someone with anorexia thinks about food a lot and limits the food she or he eats, even though she or he is too thin. Anorexia is more than just a problem with food. It's a way of using food or starving oneself to feel more in control of life and to ease tension, anger, and anxiety. Most people with anorexia are female.'

I closed my eyes. To feel more in control? What did that mean? I clicked another link; support groups, chat rooms, message boards. One specific word caught my eye.

...Thinspiration...

Glamourous pictures of thin girls, celebrities mostly. Words spread in bold, almost friendly coloring, saying ridiculous things:

**Thin Is Beautiful  
****Drink a glass of water every hour. It will make you feel full.  
Lower the temperature in your house 10 degrees to burn more calories, or take an icy cold shower/bath**

**Hot liquids expand the intestinal tract and make you feel more full.**

Frantically I scrolled downwards. Had my son been reading this? How many more were suffering? Pictures lined the background, the words going in and out of my head like a mantra.

**Train your tummy to settle for less.**

**Don't Swallow! Take a bite, chew, and spit it out.  
Go to the kitchen often, and pretend your snacking. Take a bite out of something and take a long time, look in the fridge, etc. They will think you're always in the kitchen eating, and won't suspect anything.. If you never go in the kitchen, your family will notice.**

...I don't know how long I sat there reading these things over and over again. My eyes swelled with tears. Do people actually follow these? Do they read them every day, like some would the paper? "Shiori?" I couldn't turn to answer my coworker and friend, Sakura. **A/N: I suck at original names **"Shiori, are you alright?" Her eyes followed mine.

**Hit your stomach when it grumbles because that will make the sound go away and your stomach will hurt too much to eat.**

"What are you reading? Why-"

She didn't have time to finish. I had already turned my head to empty my stomach into a trashbin...

"Shiori..." She rest her hand on my back, holding my hair to the side. I shook my head before she could ask what was going on. What would I tell her; my son is starving himself? I closed the program with shaky sigh...

**Scene/Kurama POV  
**I tapped my fingers as I stared at the closed notebook in front of me. The house was wonderfully silent with my family gone. I smiled and opened it, staring at the scribbled words I had written. How long ago was that? I couldn't remember. How and when had I started? I didn't care...

**Authors Note! This is not mine; it came from /ana-beauty.**

**True Confession of Ana Rexia **

_Do you really want to know what I do? How I torture? How I manipulate? How I bring forth all the skeletons in your closet? How I make you that skeleton? Or more to the point, I suppose you want to know how I kill? Are you afraid of what I will say? You should be. I am the whisper on your pillow; I play the song to your heart. I let you feel control and then… I rip apart your precious dreams make my goals your own. Grovel at my feet but I am your best friend. I am your best lover. I'm a great mother and an endeared father. I am the man that sneaks in at night and fondles you while you pray to not cry so he won't know you are awake. I am the woman beating you with a frying pan for skipping school._

_From the start then, okay. I become the wind. I become that elongated shadow at your feet. I tag along for your lunch and recess. I follow you until I find my way in. And sorry dear I NEVER EVER give up. Once inside I can tackle the little things. Starting out with patterns and arrangements. I tell you that you have to be perfect. You have to make mom proud. You have to get daddy's approval. So you clean and scrub until your skin is raw. Simply because I whispered to your mind that you were too dirty to join them at the table. Scrub harder…oops too much. Now look what YOU"VE done. There is blood everywhere. How can I take care of you if you are so god damned incompetent? Never mind rinse it off put something on that covers everything. Long shirt long pants gloves and a hat. Now walk outside and tell them you are eating at a friends'. But now I have you. You have just told your first lie FOR me. Now I can shame you into anything I want. You are the clay and I can begin to mold you into perfection. Into purity. Into your salvation. Into the ruins that can not be rebuilt._

_You need no one but me. There is your alarm get up. GET OUT OF THE FUCKING BED!! You need to exercise. That's it get those running shoes on and straight out the door. Today we should run farther and faster. It burns more calories. It will make it easier at judgement time when you step naked onto that demented scale. But that scale is a great predictor of the day. Too much starve. Lost a pound, not enough starve. Ok were at the 3-mile marker. Do your pushups in the grass. Get you face in that dirt I want to see the mud on the end of your nose. One thousand, enough now turn your ass over I don't care if it gets wet, you'll thank me later. Crunches a thousand forward, a thousand to each side with knee to elbow ok now reverse it legs up up up…. Can't you get them higher?? Let em down slow and hold when it burns so much you shake. Keep holding…ok down and do it again. Only 999 left. Hurry you cant be late for school. Did you do your homework last night. Good you better get A or else I will have to punish you. I don't care that you're new in your French class. I don't care that they are honors courses you signed up for them you have to make the grade and nothing less than perfect will do. All right run run run…faster…damnit I SAID FASTER!! All right good no lights on, the house is still asleep. Start the shower and make sure it's hot. Yes that's right…painfully hot. You have to cleanse your soul and water doesn't cut it. Maybe I will show you a new trick to add to the bag of your salvation, for now get naked and get in there. BITE your lip little girl it only hurts because you let it. I showed you before do I HAVE to show you again? Look at the steam watch it rise. See the swirls in the air and breathe real deep. Now can you still feel it? OF COURSE NOT. God almighty I have to do everything for you. Sometimes I don't think your worthy of me. Maybe I should pay attention to that other girl in your class. At least I wouldn't have to push her so hard. She is already skinney, not enough of course. But compared to her you are a FAT PIG. LARGE AND FAT SELFISH AND FAT. All right you can come out now…. Make sure the soap is out of your hair…and DAMNIT be careful or you won't have any left. You annoy me little girl. But I will still be here. I am after all your secret friend. You can't tell anyone about the patterns about the rituals or about the numbers._

_All right at school, take the stairs up and down until that bell rings. Your first class is gym so it's a good thing you already warmed up. You can use any extra exercise they give you. Just remember the harder it is the more calories it burns. Ahh looks like coach is setting up the obstacle course. You have trained just enough I think you may be able to get the best time. Oh wait is that…damn it is. Sarah is faster but you can be more cunning. It looks as if the two of you are gonna do it together. Make it look like an accident and be nice above all be nice. Just trip her on the tires…that always makes a good sprained ankle then you can redo the course after taking her to the nurse…and now you will be the BEST. Don't stay too long apologize and make it sound sincere I don't care that you did it on purpose. As long as you are number one nothing else matters…except all that fat hanging from you like one of those tires over there. Will you ever be good enough? Not if I have anything to say about it._

_So far mom and dad have not noticed. So far they just think this is a little diet and your getting in shape for the 10 k for the homeless. No one needs to know that you don't give a damn and that you are running to lose pounds not earn pounds of money._

_Mom has started asking strange questions. Telling you to take another bite. Its poison don't touch it don't even smell it…run from the table before they see you making putrid faces at the plate. To them it's a normal meal. But you are no longer a normal member of this family. Hell girl I made you superior. See they have to eat. Stuff their mouths and round their bellies. Feel for your hips and up counting each rib. Turn around and look at you ass in the mirror. Do you see how big that is…? There must be something you are doing wrong…I did not say you could have an ass of such enormous size. I want to see that tailbone within a week._

_Mother is asking you how you did on the test but you cant tell the truth. You can't let her know you almost failed. A "D" for Christ's sake. Ok it is time to teach you the means in which to purify your blood. It wont hurt I promise. Tear apart that razor…soak it in alcohol. The last we need is for you to contaminate yourself further. Ok forefinger and thumb; slowly drag it along the skin. Feel that burst? It's working. Do it again deeper faster. Again. Again. … now its over….you need to learn this and learn to do a neater job. You look like you were attacked by a careful assailant. Bandages. That's right cover them up and put on that black sweater in case it soaks through. Don't you feel high? Isn't that better than the dirt flowing through your veins…_

_Oh its you…you want me to keep going or skip some parts? No skipping that much or you wouldn't understand how hard I work with these minds. How I become their one and only. Until nothing else matters…nothing but me. Because they are now me. I am their identity and now if you try to take that away you may kill her. You would cause her more pain than I have. I have been here. I have helped her survive. She is the means but I am the muscle. Well, yes, of course she believes she can control me. But time is running out. People are noticing. People are outright staring. People are whispering.  
_

_Cancer aids brain tumor?? No people don't you see…she is finally thin enough for attention. Praise her. Tell her she looks ill or even better my favorite…my word you look like you came from Auschwitz. But you aren't. You will have the same fate many of the Jews had. You will wear out this body faster than anyone will notice. You in all your sickly glory and you are there because of me. DON'T EVER forget you are nothing. That I am your power. Oh yes I am power. But now people want to pull us apart dear. Hold on to me I will never leave you. I am your constant. I am you. I will stay until the first dirt hits the casket and I seep into some other young mind to start over again….. This new young mind…. Yes I'm whispering in your ear now…this confession was for your ears only_ _because my dear…I AM Ana Rexia and now I sing your heart a song and I will give you all the power…don't worry…YOU ARE IN CONTROL._

Repeatedly I let these words flow into my mind. I bit my lip and turned to a fresh, beautiful page, the pen heavy between my fingers but I didn't care. The words flowed, calmer than my previous entry had been. I wrote a quiet poem...

**A/N: This one is actually mine...  
**

BROKEN  
The _sound of my spine  
Breaking  
Reminding me of  
A child's baseball bat  
Against the old oak trees  
Blood leaking from  
Between my teeth  
Running from the pain  
That never fades  
My hated love  
Stands above me  
Eyes shining  
With loathing  
I say "I'm sorry"  
Same thing every day  
I never know why  
Tears burn  
I let them out  
It doesn't matter  
I'm already broken..._

"Suichi?!" I jumped at the sudden shrill voice of my mother. The pen scrawled, leaving a black mess on the paper. I cursed and slammed the notebook shut.

"What?"

I immediately regretted snapping at her when I saw her. Her usually gentle eyes were alive with fury, stained red by tears she had obviously let out. "Mother are you-" She grabbed my arm roughly and pulled me to look at her face more closely, "Why?!" She forced my body against the wall. "What are you thinking, killing yourself like this?" I didn't say anything. I was too shocked. She had **never** acted this way. I was afraid for her; what had pushed her like this?

She forced a bundle of papers in front of my face, "Is **this** the sort of thing you look at?" I stared at the pictures and poems she had obviously printed off of the internet; one of which had come from the same website I had just been on. "Answer me..." Her voice was forced to a lower tone due to the tears that were slowly taking the place of her righteously expressed fury.

I inhaled, my breath shaking as I tried to keep the emotions in check. "...Yes." And, just like that, she broke. Her hands came away and she threw the printed site onto the floor, the paper sounding like a bomb going off in the otherwise silence of what used to be a peaceful home. "Why, Suichi??" Miserable; that's what she felt. I didn't have an answer for her. Her hand came across my face with a loud crack.

...I laughed. When did she become so abusive? Why did it take her so long to let her anger out on me? I let my eyes fall to her face and, with a smile, I told her my answer.

"I can't tell you..."

...She hit me again...

**Scene  
**I lay on my bed, feeling sore but not harboring any negative feelings towards my mother. I had hurt her; I deserved to be hurt **by **her in all logical standards. The ceiling fan turned slowly, but it still made me motion sick. I almost wished Hiei would come through my window and hold me in his arms like he did to me on those nights.

...Those nights that were just lies...

I smiled weakly and looked at the moon. When had the day died? I couldn't remember. Everything was so slow lately. My head ached horribly, each bruise taunting me. If I listened hard enough, I could hear my mother crying. And I could imagine Kazuya wrapping his arms around her.

Their wedding would be in a few days. I was going to 'give my mother away', not of my own will. My head was aching but I didn't feel hungry anymore. ...In fact I almost felt sick.

"Suichi?" My mother's hesitant voice reached my ears. I didn't bother to invite her in; she would do so anyways. The door clicked behind her and I could smell the sweet scent of tea melding with her perfume...

**Shiori POV  
**I tried to hold my tears back as I sat beside his still form, the mattress creaking beneath my weight. "Suichi please, at least have some water."

He hadn't had anything to drink for almost two days. I didn't know if he was dehydrated. He pulled the quilt higher up his neck, and mumbled something about not needing anything.

"I'm sorry mother," a tear fell down his face, "I'm sorry..." Frantically I ran my hands through his hair. I wanted to fix him.

"Don't be baby," I smiled and held the water to his lips, "Please drink this..." "I'm sorry." I smoothed his hair back and watched him drink almost half the glass. I pulled it away and kissed his forehead.

"I love you, Suichi..." He gave me what could have been a smile and took my hand, his eyes bloodshot. I ignored how cold his hands were.

He kissed my cheek. We sat in the quiet of his room, the light from his barely open curtains making his pale skin shine. I stroked the back of his hand and prayed for him. What else could I do?


	18. Chapter 18

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

**Hiei POV**  
I held her hand quietly, stroking the pale skin and trying to keep my mind off of Kurama and my sister. I try to keep his haunting eyes away. "Hiei, are you alright?" She looked concerned. I kissed her palm and held it to my cheek; wordlessly I tried to reassure her. She kissed me softly. I pulled back and smiled, "I thinking of going to see my sister," I took a deep breath, "And...I'd like you to come with me."

There was a moment of silence where we just stared at each other and I wondered if she'd even heard me. Ayame laughed and kissed me, "Of course Hiei! I would love to. And...maybe I can meet these friends you spoke of?" I gave a small smile.

**Scene: Kurama POV**  
I didn't sleep at all that night. I had laid awake, sitting at my windowsill, haunted by empty memories. Insomnia was picking me apart bit by bit. And I sat, trying not to yawn, in our dining room. Kazuya was gone with...my brother...leaving myself and Shiori to enjoy the peaceful quiet which now enveloped the house. No sports broadcasts or bad teenage music.

I wrapped my arm around my abdomen and tried not to look at my mother. She kept looking up from her morning paper, as if suspecting I would bolt out of the house at any moment. I shifted uncomfortably, my belly causing my pain that was becoming harder to ignore.

I hated it, the feel feeling in my stomach; I had abruptly stopped using the laxatives and was paying for it. My mother sat across from me at the table as I stared into my cup of black tea. She was smiling; she was sad. I hated that she cared so much. I hated that I was doing this to her when she deserved happiness. She didn't need the extra stress.

"Suichi?" I looked into her coffee-tinted eyes.

"I'm going to be working late for the next few days. ...Will you be alright by yourself?" We both knew the answer. We both knew that I would lie.

"Of course mother. Please don't push yourself beyond what your capable of." She smiled. I hoped I was doing the same. Her hand reached across, cold fingertips touching my skin. She looked ready to cry. A smile broke that expression quickly.

"I'll try not to."

**Scene-Shiori POV**  
The keys felt heavy in my palm. "The emergency numbers are by the phone. My son smiled and gave a nod, reassuring what he already knew. "And call me if you need anything. Don't hesitate alright?" Again...the same response. "And-" He took my shoulders gently, his lips curving upwards into an almost sarcastic smile, "And if the house explodes, I call the fire department...or at least I try to before I find out I'm dead." I had to smile at that. I lay my hands quietly over his before kissing his cheek, "I'll be back around ten. Eleven at the very latest." He sighed, "Okay mother."

"I'm sorry dear. I just-"

"Worry, I know." He opened the front door for me. I looked at him one more time before walking into the chilly morning...

**Kurama POV**  
My mother waved at me from the car as she drove away, slower than usual. I wished she wouldn't worry so much about me...but as long as I was who I was, that wouldn't change. Or if I could convince her that I was fine. Whichever came first. I clutched the pendant that was a weight around my neck and burning against my chest. When had I put it on? Had it become such a routine that I no longer had to think about it?

I closed my eyes as the heavy drapes slid shut.

_"I love you, Yoko."_

_"I love you too, Kuro..."_

_"And I'm never going to let go..."_

_"Do you promise?"_

A sharp pain raced from my hand to my shoulder as my fist connected against the heavy oak door. I forced his face from my memory. I felt empty but my heart was aching and pounding. I was hurting. Why? Why did everything hurt so badly? Why were all my sins catching up to me now?

...The sound of the fridge door clicking open was like a bomb going off in the empty house. I took out a bowl of what looked like nihon soba and set it on the counter. ...I had intended to close it after that. But somehow, I was eating out of a jar of peanut butter with my fingers. I was barely chewing on large pieces of chicken. It never occurred to me that it was raw. He was saying something to me though I wasn't sure what. It's not that I wasn't paying attention. He just sounded too far away. The next thing I remember was wondering when my hair had started turning white...

**Yoko POV**  
I could have scoffed at how uncivilized he...I was being. With disgust I washed my hands clean and tried to ignore his distant voice saying god knew what. ...My god, I could have killed him! Didn't he realize that he was dying? Didn't he feel his erratic heartbeats, his weakened limbs? I could have smacked him...were I physically capable of doing so.

"Suichi, I'm not letting you kill us..."

I cooked up leftover stir fry, making sure it was centered on the plate. After that and a few cups of strong tea, my stomach eventually stopped growling and my head didn't ache so much. He was angry though; I could feel it. Was he angry at me or himself? Where was the line that divided the two of us? I sighed and played with a lock of my hair, looking distantly at the clock, it's swinging pendulum hypnotizing me.

...A pendant swung in my mind...

_"Oh god, Yoko, what did you do?"_

I rolled my eyes.

_"Shut up. If I'm dying, I'm going out with a stab wound, not my body failing because of starvation or a heart attack because your too stupid to keep your fingers out of your throat."_

It suddenly occurred to me that this was the first time we had spoken since he started going downhill. This is the first time we'd discussed his eating habits, or lack of thereof.

_"Yoko, please just go away!"_

"Damn it!" I slammed my hand against the door, my palm stinging from the impact. _"Suichi, stop being so half-witted! What good is all of this doing? What do you get from cutting yourself and starving to death?"_

Silence

_"Well?!"_

I didn't even care that I was screaming at him and he was more than likely wanting to kill me. I wanted to knock some sense into his head. I took a deep breath.

_"Your hurting. I can see that. But does it help you to know that Shiori's crying, that your comrades can hardly look at you? Does it bother you that you can't cope with anything without hurting your body?"_

"_Please Yoko_," he sounded so...helpless was the only word I could think of. "_Just leave it alone_."

"_Fine! You want to kill yourself, then you go right on ahead. Just don't expect sympathy from me when you're hooked up to human machines against your will you little brat."_

And then I blocked him off. I didn't want to hear an attempt at an argument. I threw myself onto his bed and listened to the sound of rain hitting the windows.

...I stared at the pendant dangling from my fingers. I told myself the heat in my eyes wasn't tears. I told myself the water on my face wasn't caused by emotions.

"I'm sorry, Kuronue."

**Shiori POV**  
"Suichi, I'm back!" I set my purse by the door as usual and looked around. The television was still on, changed to some horrid science fiction movie. I turned it off before the alien could start eating brains in our den. Kokoda ran down the stairs and stood at the foot, "Hey mom!" I was glad to see him; he had been at his aunt's house with Kazuya. "Dad's in the shower. He got mud all over him." He was practically grinning. "Well that's always fun isn't it?"

"Oh, Kokoda? Could you tell Suichi to come down here on your way up?"

"Sure."

My son stopped half-way down. He just...stared at me with empty eyes, though they were bloodshot. "Are you alright, dear? He didn't bother to give me the false smiles or the happy tones.

"No mother. I am not feeling well. Was there something you wanted to say to me?"

He was upset.

"I...just wanted to remind you about your appointment with Gloria tomorrow." He said something along the lines of a dreaded 'oh god' before he went back upstairs.

"Hello Shiori." Kazuya's arms wrapped tightly around my waist, "Did you miss us and our racket?" I just stood there; I didn't know what to say or what I was supposed to do. "Shiori?"

"...I'm going to go make some tea." "At eleven o'clock?" I just nodded and grabbed the kettle off the table.

The tiles were frozen beneath my feet. "Apparently no one thought to turn the heater on..." Talking to myself helped ease my frustrations sometimes, though I'm sure it was hardly a sane habit. When I opened the fridge for milk, I noticed something.

Half the food I had wrapped was gone...

"Suichi, could you come down here please?" I immediately regretted yelling; his head was probably pounding. Of course I knew immediately what he had done. Throwing up usually makes one's head hurt after all...and their eyes bloodshot and their teeth brittle.

"Yes?"

He leaned casually against the doorframe. I wanted to smack him and hold him and scold him all at the same time. I took a deep breath.

"Suichi, I'm going to ask you something. And I want to answer me truthfully for once," where had that come from? "...Did you do it?"

He gave me a strange look. Not one of confusion; somewhat like a blank stare mixed with irritation. "I'm sorry mother, I'll need more detail than that. I'm sure I've done a lot of things." When did he get so sarcastic? When did he start hating and damaging his body? Didn't he realize? Didn't he care? The fake smiles, the baggy clothes, the purging, the binging...everything that I hated about him consumed me.

...And I snapped...

**Kurama POV**  
She was just staring at me as I to her. She looked so angry; her eyes narrowed and before I could say half a word her hands were wrapped tightly around my arms...

"Why?! Why are you doing this to yourself?"

She wasn't scolding. ...She was screaming. She was screaming at me and shaking me, calling me an idiot for destroying myself, asking what was making me so miserable. My mother slammed me against a wall. Her breathing was the only thing I heard for a few heartbeats before her husband and step-son came running down the stairs. Why do disasters always bring humans to look?

"Shiori, what is going on?"

Idiot. Can't you see that she won't answer you?

Her hand came across my face with a deafening smack. My headache got worse.

She whispered to me, sending a chill up my spine.

"What are you becoming?"

No one said anything.

"...Your not my son anymore."

Kazuya pulled her towards him, attempting to comfort her. "Get off me!" She grabbed her coat off the rack and slammed the door. The next thing I heard was her sobbing before she slammed the car door shut...

"Suichi?"

He laid his hand on my shoulder. He had the nerve to touch me. I closed my fingers around his wrist, still staring at the spot my mother had just stormed away from.

"...Stay away from me, Hatanaka."

I followed my mother's example. And the funny thing was...the last thing on my mind before the door shut was how much I was dreading telling all of this to Gloria the next day...

**T.T Gah! I am SO SORRY for the long wait. I hope this 4-page chapter was worth it. Oh, and Shiori's reaction came from a personal experience...so if it seems sudden or harsh...I thought so too and I added it.  
AND I had forgotten about Kazuya and Kokoda ;; Whoops. So I had them away on a trip!**


	19. Chapter 19

**CHAPTER NINTEEN**

**Shiori POV**  
Oh god, what had I done? My hands trembled against the wheel, the leather cover feeling hotter than it should have. I didn't know where I was going or what I was going to say when I got back. I felt guilty for reacting the way I did, but part of me also felt justified. What was he thinking, ruining himself?

"Suichi, where would you run off to?"

I almost felt amused at the very words I'd spoken; I had raised a son that I knew next to nothing about. ...But he wouldn't go anywhere he was in real danger, right? He would know where to go in this situation. Maybe he was at that boy's house. What was his name? Yusuke? Although I didn't trust him either. He was so...rough. It always surprised me the sorts of people he chose to associate himself with. And yet, I never said anything.

"Your not my son anymore."

Why? Why had I said that? The answer came quickly enough:

...I was a bad mother...

**Scene Yoko POV**  
"So, now your running away?"

_Please just be quiet, Yoko. I don't need you to lecture me right now._

I laughed, "Apparently you do, or else you wouldn't be falling apart. Your heart wouldn't be pounding like that if you were healthy."

_Damn it! Can't you just be quiet? I wouldn't be running away if you hadn't gone and eaten half the fridge, you pig._

"Me? I am not the one who lost control and started shoveling food. You can't control yourself and your finding comfort in food and tossing half your stomach contents down a drain. Is that how you want to live the rest of your live? ...Though you won't live much longer."

_...What do you know about it? How can you sit there and claim to understand what's going on?_

"...Because it's guilt," my tone hadn't softened but I wasn't yelling anymore, "You're upset because you think Hiei cheating is your fault; you think you could have changed what happened to Kuronue and you can't accept that not everything in life is going to turn out the way you plan," I took a deep breath, "And you're going to have to if you're ever going to be healthy."

"Y'know, fox-boy, talking to yourself is never a healthy habit..."

I didn't know whether to laugh from relief or run away because I didn't know what to say. "Oh. Please forgive me, Yusuke. Yoko and I were having a conversation...I didn't mean to interrupt your walk."

"Hey don't worry about it," he grinned, "You wanna go get a coffee? That's where I was going anyway." For some reason, I couldn't decline, despite the fact that it was one o'four... Soon I was walking beside him on a dirty sidewalk late at night, wishing I could go hide somewhere with a pocket knife...

"And so Keiko's being all weird, talking about marriage and asking when I'm going to start getting serious about life; shit like that."

"Yusuke, shes merely concerned. And they sound genuine." He snorted and opened the cafe door for me, "God, you talk like a woman." I couldn't seem to laugh at that, though I know I normally would have, "I'm gay," I lay my hand on his shoulder, "It comes with the territory."

We sat across from each other at the small table, reading a menu that offered about fourteen different types of coffee, and eight teas. I was both puzzled and amused. "So, what have you been doing outside of that classy school of yours?"

"Nothing much," I decided on earl gray with lemon, "Mostly reading, taking walks and listening to my family carry on pointless conversation."

"Really?" He closed his menu and I suddenly felt uncomfortable, "I heard you were seeing a shrink."

Well...he certainly goes straight for the point doesn't he?

"It's because of stress. My mother would prefer it if I spoke to someone before I fell off that cliche mental edge." I thanked the waitress when she set the mugs and saucers down. Yusuke made a face, "Well, the coffee sucks." I wondered if he knew that that particular brand was flavored with cinnamon. I didn't tell him. Nor did I bring up the fact that the caffeine would probably keep him up until the next afternoon. I just...kept smiling at him as I took in the citrus-like scent of my drink. I kept smiling as my heart began to throb painfully and my hands shook. Did he notice that I was no longer there? That my mind had drifted without my consent and that I couldn't see?

I don't think either of us left there with a truthful smile...

**Scene**  
I hated the quiet of Gloria's office. Her old grandfather clock hurt my ears, the pendulum shining entirely too brightly for my taste. She had asked me what I weighed and I'd refused to answer. She had asked me about my schooling, my family, my friends...she asked anything that came to her mind and I spoke not a word. I shouldn't have been such a difficult patient, I know. ...But I felt vulnerable. Again. And I felt lost; I thought of my mother and her new family sitting at a restaurant eating brunch and laughing at stories they knew they'd heard before. ...Strangers saw them as a perfect family. When I was there, what did they see? The tenseness, the way I pick at food, their fake smiles?

"Suichi?"

Oh god; I'd been talking aloud, hadn't I? God how stupid had I gotten??

"I'm terribly sorry, Ms. Miralez," I was supposed to call her Gloria, wasn't I?, "I didn't realize I'd been so vocal."

Her smile was as fake as mine, the concern and pity clear as creek waters.

I was exhausted. My mother had found me at the cafИ. She had found me and we had another silent car drive. ...What were we supposed to say to each other anymore?

"You know, Suichi, she crossed her legs and balanced her clipboard, "I think I would like to bring your family here. We've spoken of them often, including today." I shrugged. "Would you be alright with that?" My mind went blank and it raced all at the same time. What kind of question was that? I had opened up; I had told her about them, Hiei minus a few details of his heritage, of course. I had told her that a very close friend of mine had been shot in a robbery which was not so far from the truth. And she wanted me to converse with my mother and her husband and their normal teenage son? ...How?

"Suichi, if your not ready, we don't have to. If it's too soon, we'll give it time." I folded my hands and listened to her voice; how many years had it taken her to make it soft and motherly? How long did it take to perfect her false caring? She'd known me for... God, how long had I been going? I took a deep breath and forced it from between my lips.

"...Fine."

She smiled and nodded affirmatively, "I'll tell them when they get here. And then at your next session we'll get started."

...I think I told her 'okay'.

There was a very, very long and tense and silent wait. We had casual conversation about books, about Kuronue, about her husband and eight year old twin girls. It felt...nice to have a conversation without knowing she's suspicious of me. She knew about the scars, the purging, a watered-down of my past...there were no secrets.

And oddly, part of me was perfectly fine with that.

"Ms. Miralez?" My mother poked her head in the door before coming in with a smile. She'd gotten her hair cut and it was crimped. This little detail bothered me; her hair had been the same since I was born for gods' sake! What made her decide to change it? ...Hatanaka of course, who stood right behind her.

"Ready to go so-Suichi?"

Good. He had stopped calling me son. Before I could speak, my therapist stood. "I'm glad your both here."

She said those words no parent wants to hear from an authoritative figure when their child was in the room;

"I think we all need to sit down and have a talk."

And, god bless the woman, she said it with a perfect smile and stood beside me, her hand on my shoulder.

They're reaction, at least, was far better than I thought it would be.

There was no screaming.

They didn't glare at us, or make rash accusations. In fact, they hardly did anything.

...They just stared...


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

**_It has been far too long since I updated ; As always, Sex & The City inspired me. Thank you all SO MUCH for your patience, reviews, and encouragment. Where would I be without you??  
Anyways, enough of my babbling! I hope you enjoy this chapter. Bows and Smiles_**

"...Oh?"

My mother choked that one syllable out, obviously surprised with the request, no the order that my therapist had given her. Still, Gloria smiled and gestured to the extra chairs that were to the left of her and across from me. For a moment, no one moved; I don't think anyone even breathed.

"Alright then," my mother sighed and elegantly crossed her legs as she sat down, Kazuya not moving; he looked impatient. Angry. I chewed my lip and mentally prayed that this would pass without too much difficulty. "Alright then," Gloria parroted, obviously annoyed with his behavior, opened her folder and laced her fingers, "Suichi has made rather good progress," my mother smiled at me, "In fact, he's moving along at a healthy pace. However, I believe there is still a lot of ground we need to cover. And that ground will require the whole family."

I rest my head on my hand, moving my fingers along my temple. Kazuya looked annoyed and my mother? She...had no expression. And that bothered me; was she afraid? Did she want to do this? Did she regret sending me here? "And what do you propose?" Tense; her voice was harsh. "You, your husband, Kokoda and, of course, Suichi will need to start attending these sessions together. I may evaluate each of you individually just to get a picture of who you are, but for the most part, it will be a group effort. How does that sound?"

No one spoke. I bit my lip and waited. Were they angry?

"Is that really necessary?" Gloria tilted her head slightly, "Yes Mr. Hatanaka, I believe it is. It might do you all some good." My mother sighed, "Of course."

I didn't buckle my seatbelt when I got into the car; I pulled my legs up and rested my cheek on my knees, staring out the tinted windows as the buildings passed by, cars pumping fumes into the air. ...I was nervous about the next session already. I wasn't ready to be so vulnerable to my family; I wasn't ready to tell them all the things I had entrusted to Gloria. The radio played loudly so no one would have to talk. I was grateful for that. ...What would we say? We certainly were not gong to discuss me or Gloria or anything having to do with therapy...

So they did the one thing I wanted to hit them for; they drove up to a diner. I let out a disbelieving groan when they opened their doors, waiting almost patiently for me. I didn't argue; they wouldn't let me just sit in the car, nor would they decide to wait until they got home. They were going to torture me.

I drummed my fingers against the red-white striped table, the clash of bright and neutral colors hurting my eyes. The waitress said something, I believe she said her name was 'Judy' obviously not a native and slid the menus in front of us. I ordered water and read down the food choices, somehow wanting the food there but feeling disgusted at the very thought of it. I tapped my foot, telling myself that this wouldn't last forever; that we were going to leave this horrible place eventually. It certainly didn't make this any easier. Kokoda was at a friend's house, probably playing soccer at that moment; not for the first time, I came close to envying him, almost hating him for having the childhood I never did.

"Shiori, dear what will you have?" I didn't look up at them; he was probably holding her hand and she was giving a false smile. They were trying to pretend that we were a normal, happy, perfect family. It made me sick in more than one way. "And you, Suichi?" I sighed through my nose and closed my menu, lacing my fingers together and resting my arms on the dreadful table. Why bother pretending; they knew the truth.

"I'll just have water, thank you."

I ignored the look that drowned out the color in my mother's eyes; that look of pity, of despair, of hopelessness. She was as lost as I was, and for some reason, I didn't care as much as I should have. "Are you...are you sure dear?" She was trying so desperately to smile. I sipped the ice water that they always bring you, and tried to pretend that we were some other family.

...I watched them from the corner of my eye. I took in every detail of the routine they had of eating and I wondered if that was how everyone looked. Did people always wipe their mouths every three bites? Did my mother do it on purpose, was it in Kazuya's mind like hardwire? I was practically counting the calories they were taking in. And I knew my mother would have to walk three times around the park to burn it all off. My father would have to either run three or walk five and a half. Either way...that was quite a bit of exercise that I would not have to do. That they would not do.

I almost choked on an ice chip; had I really thought that? Did I really believe that my family was lazy, slob-like? I certainly did not think that they were fat...yet here I was criticizing their food intake. ...Was I really that horrible?

'Of course you are' a voice confirmed. Usually I would believe it to be Yoko, but he had not been cruel lately. Why would he say such things? A frightening realization crept up on me, holding a knife to my throat; I was slipping, wasn't I? I was slowly letting myself fall into the arms of insanity, not caring one way or the other if I died. Part of me even longed to die. Should those thoughts have disturbed me?

"Suichi!"

Hand on my wrist, warm, soft. I looked up to see my mother, her eyebrow cocked as she silently asked if I was alright. I couldn't seem to smile at her anymore. Kazuya was counting bills for a tip onto the table. I didn't know so much time had past. Did this happen often? Did I usually sit there as the hour hand walked slowly, too quickly along the clock's face? I felt tense as I followed them out of that cursed restaurant, my stomach aching and mind racing. I wanted to go home and go to sleep, but I couldn't. I still had my evening exercise to do, as well as some schoolwork that I had been severely neglecting. And then I had school tomorrow; my mother had given me a few days of leave for, as she so calmly called it, health reasons. That was not so far from the truth...

**Scene**  
Had I expected everything to go perfectly? Certainly not. I did not, however, expect to find myself the focus of several pairs of eyes, filled with a hesitant interest.

"Good to have you back, Minamino," my teacher sneered, his voice oozing sarcasm and what could have been very close to hatred, "Did you enjoy your little vacation?" A small chuckle paced within my throat before I took my seat; I had nothing to say. Kaitou turned his head, giving me a questioning look. "Anemia" was what I gave him as an excuse. Whether or not he truly believed me or he was just indulging my wish not to be questioned so much, I will never know. Perhaps I don't even want to face reality anymore...

The stone floor of the locker room was frozen against my feet; I wanted nothing more than to go into the library; deny my humiliation and let myself become lost within too many pages. "Minamino!" I clenched my jaw when the harsh voice of my teacher rang into my ears; he was certainly not a patient man. 'The impatient should never be allowed to receive careers in teaching' I sighed to myself. He wanted me to hurry and change...but it was a locker room. There were no toilets, no stalls. I would have to sneak into the bathroom across the gym for such a thing.

My joints ached. The eyes upon me left nonexistent wounds beneath and upon my skin. I cursed the wretch who invented the 'gym' class, and all those who made the utterly ridiculous rule of a public process of undressing. Time slowed, everything became far too silent, their gazes too obvious. They saw the scars, the flesh, the fat, the imperfection that was me. When I was clothed, I pushed past the ones by the door, keeping my head down, my bangs a splash of blood before my eyes. I just wanted the day to end.

And, to my surprise...it did. As the sun set behind the library, casting shadows along my face, I found myself looking into blood-red eyes...


	21. Chapter 21

* * *

**Finally...a new chapter :D I hope you guys like it. ^^  
Oh..and YES all my stories HAVE to be centered. Please don't ask why; it just bothers me when it's all on the left. Don't bash me for format, people...**

**CHAPTER 21**

There was a painful moment where neither of us knew what to say or do; where we just stood a few yards from eachother and looked at the faces we had come to know without having to see them. "Good afternoon, Hiei." I don't think I even tried to smile. He nodded and pushed his hands into his pockets, achieving that forever "Hiei" pose. "I came to...see how you were doing." As was our usual, there was no eye contact. He looked at the ground and I at the trees. "Well that's very kind of you. As you can see, I'm alive." He was not amused. He looked angry, upset at me or my words or my behaviour... internally, I heaved a sigh. 'Can I do nothing right?" Those callused hands fell over mine; the grip was painful...but reassuring. 'I missed you' they said. He couldn't speak to me, could he? He didn't know what to say, or how to say it. He knew only touch.

"I don't want you...to die," the poor thing sounded so awkward speaking to me at that moment, uncomfortable touching me as well. I allowed my voice to drop, a whisper that hurt my ears and seemed to echo in the quiet evening air, "Please don't fear losing me. Not to this. I'm fine, my love." The phrase slipped out. I didn't bother trying to correct myself. He stared at me and I at our entwined fingers. I couldn't do this; not after what he'd done.

'But you love him' something, perhaps Yoko, inside me whispered. I grit my teeth and felt sandpaper behind my eyes. I wouldn't cry; not in front of him. He couldn't see the weakness that I was trying so damn hard to deny. I tried to smile as I squeezed his hand.

'Please...don't let it be a mistake' I was praying to no one. Perhaps I really was going insane. The wind mocked me and I shivered, suddenly hating the season that I had once loved so much. I twirled my fingers in the snow that was more slush; I wanted to mold in with it. I wanted to become the snow. ...A flash of white hair in my memory; I thought of Yoko. How he was being affected; we were not the same, though we resided in one body.

Yet another ridiculously complicated relationship.

Violet eyes

My heartbeat suddenly felt painful, too fast. ...Had that been a recent occurance or had I simply been ignoring it? I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. It hurts hurts hurts! Damn you! Thoughts blurred and I tried to focus on what Hiei was saying.

...The next thing I knew, his hands were at my shoulders and he was supporting the boneless body that simply couldn't have been mine.

'...I'm sorry...'

Hiei POV I saw a change take place in his expression just then. It went from a heaviness to one of genuine pain. Kurama fell limp against me; I could smell blood though he had no visible wounds. 'Stupid fox!' I wanted to strike him for being so incredibly foolish.

'It's your fault...'

I did the only thing I could think of; I lifted him into my arms and went to Yusuke's. He was the last person I wished to seek help from but the feeling of drowning left me with few choices. For the first time, I wished I had stayed in the human world more often. ...I felt very lost.

Kurama's heartbeat was like a bird's against my hand; it was difficult to hear his shallow breaths. Sweat broke out upon his brow.

'He's fine' I screamed 'Humans get sick all the time.'

...Never like that. Their immunity couldn't be so weak. Not for the first or last time, I cursed his stupidity and mine.

Time never seemed so slow...

**Scene**

Kurama POV I was coherent but not understanding. I was being held; Hiei was taking me somewhere. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was screaming at myself. This was a stupid mistake. I couldn't trust him again. I couldn't let myself fall into his arms beause I would wind up hurt. I held my body closer, wanting the natural warmth of him to replace what I had lost. It was cold...so damn cold. "Kurama, stay awake!" I didn't want to. Why would I want to be awake? So I could be in pain? So I could listen to my own heartbeat go into erratic patterns?

'Hiei...I hate you'

I wanted to scold Hiei for not bothering to knock. He entered through Yusuke's window. Why would we be at Yusuke's? Had they not had an argument? "He needs help..." I let myself fade back into safety. I didn't want to be there...

Scene There was a heavy blanket, pulled up to my chin. Someone's fingers in my hair; I wanted to tell them to stop, to go away. ...The light pressure was agony on my already pounding head. My stomach hurt, a weight had settled in my chest. Not heartache; physical pain. Smoke, burning wood; the heavy smells invaded my senses. Hiei's hands, Hiei's heartbeat...I was lying against him. "Yusuke...called a...hospital." He searched for the word; healer, he had intended to say; a smile creeped to my lips. Humanity had touched him after all.

Hospital?? The very word frightened me. I imagined doctors, tubes, experiments. Would they find out I was a lie? That I wasn't human? Would they tell? Flashes of white; somewhere in my erratic mind, I told myself that there was a strobe light in the room. There had to be; because seeing light would make me mad. I was not insane, nor was I ill. ...How could I tell them that? Could I make them believe that I was okay? Anxiety and panic swelled again in my chest. "Hiei...I need to get outside." I think I told him something about drowning. I needed to breathe. 'Please, don't let me die here'

"...I called his mom..."

"Why would you-?! ...Damn..." I pressed my palms to my forhead and eyes, applying pressure, trying to relieve the sharp yet pounding ache that was steadily spreading inside my skull. ...My mother would come. She would come and see me here, blame it on my weakness. Would she hate me?

_...She already hates you..._

_Can't you see your nothing but trouble? _

_Can't you let people live for once? _

_Your not sick; not sick enough._

Thoughts that...were not my own drifted. "Yusuke, that was unnecessary. I'm sure I'm just dehydrated."

"Wonder why?" I could hear the sneer on his face. I didn't want to move my hands, but somehow, I was afraid he would strike me if I requested to have the lights dimmed. Hiei's hand fell softly over my eyes as he pulled me back; the position was too familiar to me, too painful. "Just breathe, Kurama. Try and relax." Ha! How easy it was for him to say that. I held the front of his shirt in my fists, counted my pulse. ...The lights went out, one by one. Erratic clicking of wall light switches and lamp chords. Hiei allowed my eyes to open after that.

I took a moment to study the den, as though I expected to find something different. Same light blue rug, and the same used but comfortable furniture. ...I remembered all of us sitting here, laughing despite bloody wounds and bruises that were amusing to come up with explainations for. Scolding Yusuke and Kuwabarra, my arm around Hiei. I bit down on my lip, trying not to let the memories cause a near breakdown. I had asprin in my bag; I didn't want any. I wanted to stay there, wanted to sleep until the end of the world...

"Suichi!"

"Damn you!" The curse fell from my mouth as the sound of the door sent what felt like hammers into my skull. My body curled automatically, fingers tightly winding into my hair as though more pain would make it go away. ...I had just cursed at my mother. God, I was a horrid son.

"I'm sorry....I just...don't feel too well."

"Shall I take you to the hospital?" Her hand, cool and dry, layed over my forhead. "You have a fever." I hated that she asked me as though I had a choice; I was already going to the doctor. ...I hated them. They asked too many questions that I generally didn't have an answer for. "Yusuke, I can't-"

"This is not up to Yusuke!" Stop screaming! "And it's not up to you either! Your going there to make sure your not killing yourself with this ridiculous obsession, Suichi. I am the one who has the final word in this. Do you have your coat?" ...How she could go from screaming to casual was beyond me. "No," I whispered, "I do not have my coat, mother."

...Every bump in the road make me want to scream. There was a burn in the pit of my stomach. ...I was aware of the darkness outside and didn't bother trying to find out where all my hours were going. Yusuke's blanket was layed carefully over me by Hiei, who had stayed behind due to a steely glare from my mother. It was obvious that she was furious, but did she blame my mistake on them? I didn't speak to her... I think I was afraid of having her go off on a rant that would, in the end, leave me absolutely deaf.

_They'll help you, Suichi._

Yoko's voice was reassuring.

_Your going to be fine..._

...He was a liar.


	22. Chapter 22!

**CHAPTER 22**

"Can you turn the light off? Jesus, can't you see he's sick?"

Yusuke's less-than-subtle order was whispered, and I could picture the nervous look of the nurse as her footsteps echoed against the linolium. A moment later, the light that was somehow seeping through Hiei's hands faded. He pulled away.

...The room was perfect, as most hospitals seem to require. Two chairs in the left corner, a metal table attatched to the bar on the side of my bed. The smell of rubbing alcohol, sickness, death; it was too much. "Yusuke, I think I'm going to be ill" was the only warning I got...and gave before stomach acid wreaked it's delightful havoc on my throat and already-sore teeth.

*Suichi...*

*Shut up, Yoko. Now is not the time to give me a lecture.* I sounded pathetic even to my own ears. ...Suddenly I realized that there was another voice, though not from the inside of my own mind. A woman was talking; I looked up from my own self-loathing to observe. She was...plain, though pretty. Her chestnut hair was tied back into a bun, and rectangular glasses hung from the bridge of her nose as she flipped through a file. Stern age carved into her face, years of dealing with idiocy of other people had taken it's toll. ...Hiei would like her.

"My name is Doctor Amai. Though feel free to call me Setsuna if you like." I appreciated her whispering, though not the pitch. Her voice was...rattling, is the only way I can think to describe it. The frequency was peculiar and I wanted to laugh from the absolute stupidity of my situation.

Without opening my eyes, I raised my eyebrow slightly and tried to speak: "Forgive me for my rudeness, but perhaps now is not the time for introductions. Your voice is absolutely heinous." Perhaps apologizing didn't do me any good; I didn't have the energy to feign kindness. "He has a bit of a headache" came my mother's understated explaination. I could feel her glaring at me.

"Alright then," I looked at her through barely-open lids, "I'll have the nurse put you on a drip of some Opiate and we'll see how that works." Her high heels clicked; I took note of her pace so I could tell when she was coming later.

A prick in the arm and a rush of freezing fluid later, I could feel the ache begin to recede. Things fell into better focus, and two thoughts came.

1: The bed was far more comfortable than I had assumed hospital beds would be.

2: ...Shoot. I was in a hospital.

One of the places I had dreaded; the place where they know what to look for and they perfect the art of lying to you about what they know. Would they suggest [also known as force me into] treatment? Would they keep me there? Would they force liquid calories into my veins? Would they verbally harass me, spouting off the nonsense that if I speak it will make things better?

"Hiei, don't let them do this..." His fingers laced with mine. "Your going to be fine, fox," his whispered voice sent a chill through my spine.

"Just fine..."

**Oh yes, I added my own migraine misery into that! Fun stuff. Oh my goodness, I finally got him into the hospital. What comes next; good or bad outcome? Hm...decisions decisions. Anyways I hope your all not too pissed off at the very long wait, followed by a SHORT chapter where basically nothing happened... Psh ridiculous. Review, yes? But please no flames. Those are unpleasent. A good day to you!  
--Yoko_cw**


	23. Chapter 23

**CHAPTER 23**

I couldn't stay still, or calm as Hiei had so intellegently suggested. My mind was going at an utterly unreasonable speed, and I couldn't stop moving. Perhaps it didn't make any sense, but somewhere in my mind I had deduced that being still would make me vulnerable...so I tapped my fingers. My head no longer hurt thanks to the medications. Paranoia? That couldn't be so easily gotten rid of. Hiei had not let go and I couldn't decide if that was good or bad.

Either he cared, or didn't trust them any more than I did. Yusuke was outside the door, talking to one of the doctors along with my mother. I could...somehow hear them through the heavy wood. Perhaps I really was insane. That woman [what was her name? Setsuna?] was nodding and scribbling things down, lips moving quickly as she talked to my parents. I was grateful that Kokoda was still in school **[1]** and was not here to see my degrading situation.

"Hey," Hiei's casual voice pulled me from my observation, "No matter how hard you stare, they won't talk any louder." He was staring at the decade-old magazine, flipping through pictures and too-small words. "You may as well go to sleep until they come in here and harass the living daylights out of you." ...For a moment, I had an urge to ask why he was still there with me. Didn't he want to be back in Ayame's arms? Listen to her speak or sing, whatever the devil they did together. I wanted to ask, but didn't necessarily want the answer. ...Hiei would be honest.

"So, what the hell's that for?" I followed his gaze up the tube and tried to smile, "It's a pain medication. For my headache." His eyebrow rose; of course he wouldn't understand how I could survive being blown up and beaten half to death, and be this weakened by a headache. "A human ailment known as a migraine; it's what caused the light sensitivity and nausea. Imagine...being beaten in the head for about an hour followed by staying awake for two days."

Apparantly a good example, I concluded from his sympathetic stare. "And...it helps?" "No, not yet," I sighed, stretching my arm and wincing as the needle was pulled, "But Intravenous treatments generally take a little bit to kick in." He stared at me for a moment, then the crook of my elbow. A nod was all I got in response. "Hiei?" "...Hm?" The words 'thank you for staying', 'I love you', and 'Why are you still here?' all came to mind. They sounded sappy. Or ridiculing. So I smiled, and shook my head. Words were never his style; maybe he already knew.

...It kicked in. The pain went away; I felt lightheaded, sounds seemed more defined, images sharper. The pounding was gone, at least. "Fox, are you alright?" I could have laughed; had his voice always been that deep? Had my heartbeat always been so fast? "...Hiei?"

I focused on his eyes. "You should ask the doctor...if this medication is available over-the-counter." A smile cracked on his lips, his fingers laced with mine, "Whatever you say. Crazy fox."

*Scene/Shiori POV*  
"This is bullshit." I wouldn't say Yusuke's cursing surprised me...but I didn't approve of it either. Especially with a child sitting across from us in the cinnamon-scented waiting room. "Yusuke, tender ears."

"...This is BS." Because that was better? Honestly, Suichi's friends confused me on so many levels. But at least he had some that were willing to come to a hospital with him. "Yes, Yusuke...it is." I sighed and looked at the clock.

"Excuse me, Mrs...Minamino?" "Hatanaka. Is my son alright?" My voice was louder than it should have been; I could feel my face heating up. "Um..." she stepped back a moment [young girl, couldn't have been more than her mid-20s] and flipped through some papers, "The doctor is keeping him for the next few days, and Suichi is scheduled for psychiatric evaluation tomorrow morning. He's in room 203 if you would like to see him." I thanked her quietly, and stepped into an elevator, Yusuke fuming behind me and muttering something about stupid foxes.

Such strange friends my son had...

*Scene/Hiei POV*  
The way she walked into the room made me feel...awkward somehow. Her hands were folded over her stomach, heartbeat wild and her teeth in her lip. I folded my fingers with Kurama's when I felt him begin to tremble. Was he nervous, afraid? I didn't want to ask. The room was too damned quiet. "Suichi? Are you feeling any better?" "Yes, mother. Thank you." His voice was empty.

An awkward pause.

"They're keeping you here for a little while. They just want to make sure you're okay."

Okay?? He's not okay, you idiots!

...I was suddenly aware of a shocked expression, and one of fury. Something told me I had gotten into a habit of speaking my thoughts to the public. "Sorry." Kurama just shook his head at me and tightened his grip on my hand.

"...He's right, you know."

What?

"I'm...not okay. I haven't been," his voice was thick, his body shaking from either nerves or cold, "For some time now. ...Would it be selfish of me to stay? To admit that I need help?"

*Kurama POV*  
I never allowed the words to come from my mouth, but there they were just the same. Maybe I was making a mistake; maybe it was just the drugs talking. "No," Hiei's voice was uncharacteristic, soft, "It wouldn't be." His lips were pressed to mine briefly.

...Was I ready? Did I want help, or did I want to want help? Was I even making sense; was I doing this for myself, or was I just tired of seeing my mother in so much pain?

The last thing I remembered was my mother's scent as she came in to embrace me.

**1: I'm pretty sure I had him on break or something earlier? Dunno. I have no concept of time, which reflects in my stories quite often...**

**Oh yes. He admitted it. Is it him talking? Is it Yoko, the sedatives? Will he change his mind? [nope I'm not implying, but you may want to ask yourselves ;)]**

**Thank you for reading :D I hope you liked it!  
--Yoko_cw**


	24. Chapter 24

**CHAPTER 24**

_Note: Sorry for the very VERY long wait! My reasons are in the author's notes... Jesus has it really been 4 months? *hits self and hides behind computer* I hope this chapter makes up for it... And thanks to all my reviewers for their patience, advice, kind words and reviews of course. Enjoy the chapter and happy 4th of July!  
--Yoko_cw_

_*Kurama POV*  
_That night at the hospital was one of my less-than-pleasant ones. ...So many memories kept blurring my eyes. Some of them I didn't even recognize, making me question my unstable sanity. ...When had Kuronue ever hit me? For some reason, I vividly saw his fist coming to my face, could almost feel the deep pain followed by a throbbing pain in my jaw.

I heard Hiei's voice fading in and out, a bad microphone that did little to ease my mind. Behind my eyes and clarity I saw my dead lover. I heard him screaming things I couldn't understand, but certain they were insults. Everything hurt and I kept asking

why

why

why

wh-

"Kurama?"

Hiei's eyes were too red. Shiori sat behind him, chin resting on her chest in a quiet sleep. "Sorry. ...Did I wake you up?" The circles under his eyes told me he hadn't slept anyway. Shaking his head, he pressed his dry palm to my forehead, as if checking for a fever. Perhaps he was. And, suddenly, he pulled away. It was as if suddenly he realized things weren't the same, they couldn't be the same again. Thanks to his actions, and thanks to Her.

"Yusuke went home," he mumbled stiffly, looking above my eyes, "I think to tell Keiko that you're here. He said he would be back this afternoon." I looked at the clock; six thirty am. A useless action, looking to see how long I'd slept. I didn't know when they'd brought me in, for gods' sake. "And," he continued, a little louder this time, "That...Setsuna whatsherface healer told me to give you these picture books."

He handed me brochures. Plain buildings with too-bright skies and grass surrounding them. Treatment centers. ...Prisons edited on computers to look like paradise. I threw them on the table beside me, looking intently at the delicate leaves of the bonzai tree that I somehow hadn't seen nor sensed at any previous point.

"Fox..." "What?" I snapped at him, clipped and annoyed by the whole situation. My mother stirred and we both lowered our voices. "Perhaps you shouldn't throw it away so easily. They told your mom about insurance, and that-" "No, Hiei." Couldn't he stop? Couldn't anyone see that this decision was too hard, that it was moving too fast? ...For a thief, I was terrible at hiding.

My eyes burned, and Hiei became a black and pale outline. "Why are you doing this to me...?"

_*Hiei POV*  
_"Why are you doing this to me?"

I closed my eyes, sighing through my nose as his wounded tone tore at me. My chest was hurting, like a rock was stuck between my ribs. We avoided looking at eachother. I think we were afraid of truth. Again. I couldn't decide which of us was being more of an idiot.

"I'm not *doing* anything to you. You did this to yourself. I'm just trying to keep you from dying." I managed to keep all emotion away. It was easier to yell at people after all. "Do you enjoy it? Do you like being sick, worrying everyone to the point that you're mother's at her wits end and everyone else is so uncomfortable around you?" 'Shut up shut up' But I couldn't stop.

"You haven't changed at all have you?! You're still as selfish as you were before. Too blind to look past yourself and see that there are other people your decisions are affecting!" By now I could feel his mother's eyes burning into the back of my neck. I'd pissed her off. Pretty bad by the feel of it.

"Well if that's what you plan on, fine," I'd lowered my voice and my eyes, "But don't expect me to sit here and watch you die." I slammed the heavy door behind me and tried not to look back. "Hiei, what the hell-" "Shut it, Urameshi."

I near-fell into a chair down the hallway, digging the heels of my palms into my eyes and trying to control the rage that threatened to break out. I wanted to hit him, yell at myself. I wanted to burn down the whole damned center and forget any of it ever happened. ...Instead, I ran. Perhaps Yukina would talk some sense into us.

_*Kurama POV*  
_I felt the corners of my mouth twisting into a trembling smirk as I listened to Hiei slam the door. My mother stared at me and I stared back. "...What on earth was that, Suichi?"

I didn't want to tell her it was just another mistake.

"Nothing, mother. It's just," I spoke the first excuse that came to mind, "Hiei's way of coping. Anger is easy for him to express."

"Well, don't you fret on it. Everything will work out fine. You'll see." I could see the small lines in her smile, the doubt in her eyes. Damn her for trying to make me feel better.

As I leaned my head back onto the pillow, I smiled and felt a tear fall down my temple and into my hair. I contemplated asking the nurse to drug me the next time I saw Hiei.

**scene  
**_*Hiei POV*  
_People at the park avoided me all that afternoon. I don't blame them. I must have looked like a murderer, sitting there glaring at nothing while in all black and my hands in my pockets. It took me too long to build up the motivation to stand. I figured I should stay at the temple for a few days. I didn't think Kurama and I could stand eachother just then. There were still too many wounds between us. ...Perhaps it would be better just to let him heal on his own for a while. 'Damned fox.'

I pulled open the temple door and immediately felt Yukina in the gardens, as always. "Ah, Hiei, it's good to see you!" Calmly, she walked up to me and kissed my cheek, "How are you?" I shrugged, sitting on the stone bench and looking at bluebirds. ...For some reason, they always hung around my sister. Everything liked her. They were quiet, as was I, as she sat beside me and threw little seeds into the grass. She hummed some made up song and didn't try to coerce me into pointless conversation.

"Are you happy it's almost spring?" A stupid question...but the silence needed to be killed. "Yes. It seems to be coming later every year though, don't you think?" I nodded, looking at her clean skin and neatly pulled-back hair.

"You came here just for a friendly visit, Hiei-chan?" I tried not to smile at the title. "Or is something on your mind?"

"...Maybe I wanted to feed the birds with you." She smiled and mouthed 'I see' before taking my hand and pouring tan seeds into my palm. "Well, you won't be able to feed them unless you have something they're willing to eat." My eyebrow twitched as an unnaturally friendly bird landed on my wrist, small beak pricking my palm when it missed the obvious food.

Later that afternoon, we went into the temple. Despite the lack of any sort of electricity, it was cooler inside. I attributed that to her subtly tapping into a rarely-used ability to control tempurature. "Would you like some lunch, Hiei-chan?" I shook my head, sitting on an overstuffed pillow and watching her pour tea. ...Why did she drink so much of it, anyway? It didn't have a wonderful taste to it. Perhaps health benifits.

"I'm thinking about taking up painting," she held the cup in the palm of her hand, head cocked lightly to the side and keeping her eyes lightly locked on mine, "What do you think?"

"Okay. It might be a little messy though." I gestured to the polished wood floors. "There's always newspaper to lay down," she took another sip, not seeming at all uncomfortable with the pauses in conversation that so often happened. "And I'm sure I could find some paint that wouldn't stain the-"

"Yukina...what would you think of me living here? With you, I mean?"

Very seriously, she traced my face, making it heat up with the intensity of her eyes. And, for a moment, I thought I saw a spark of anger. "Well," smiling pleasantly, as always, "I would certainly enjoy the extra company. ...And so would the birds. Why? Were you thinking of settling in somewhere?" Sip of tea. It clinked as she set it down on the coaster.

"Yes. And...I would rather live here then amongst the crowd of jacka-" 'Never curse around her, remember?' "Humans."

"I can understand that," she said pleasently, "It's much quieter here."

I spent the night in an extra room. I didn't regret it.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

**Authors Note: Sorry, as always, for the long wait. I've mostly been at my boyfriends house, and I wrote this chapter last night for absolutely no reason. Warning/Spoiler: Hiei does not show up in this chapter. He wasn't needed... Sorry, Hiei fans. Other than that, enjoy the chapter. There will be alot of italics. ^^**

**--Yoko_cw**

_"Suichi?"_

_Gloria's voice brought me into reality. People talked quietly in the small cafe. They laughed, scribbled down letters, erased them from a public crossword. The bruise on my arm from the IV had healed, though a phantom itch still remained. I was almost certain the smell of iodine had been washed away. I hoped that today's topics would have nothing to do with my stay in the hospital._

_"Your friend, Kuronue," she spoke softly, stirring two sugars into her coffee, I staring into my peach tea, "Do you know of his final resting place?" I winced; his resting place? Demons, feral ones, had more than likely taken his body, used the bones for primitive tools. Trying to keep all emotion at bay, I nodded._

Shivering, I tapped on the solid door. The brass knob grinned in the early morning sunlight.

_"And, have you anyone who would be...willing to accompany you?" An icycle struck me in the heart, straight through an old scar, damaged tissue, buried memories._

"Kurama?"

..Same Yusuke. He stood in wrinkled jeans, mussed up hair with yesterday's gel. Rubbing sleep out of oak-shaded eyes. "Yusuke," I couldn't control my shaking anymore, couldn't deny that I was close to the breaking point again, "I've come to ask you a favor."

_"I'd like you to go there, Suichi..."_

(Time Lapse)  
"You sure about this?" His backback lightly slung over his shoulder. A shirt, perhaps some food; we wouldn't be gone long. "No...I'm not. But Gloria believes it to be necessary in my recovery." A quiet nod. Brown eyes. I felt Yoko stir in the back of my mind.

_"I think...closure would be good for you." Biting my lip, squeezing the pendant in my fist, hidden beneath the cheap table._

'Suichi?' His voice was lethargic.

_"And what if it isn't?" My throat and chest began to ache; a feeling not at all a stranger. "What if this only makes it worse?"_

'Suichi, where are you going?'

_"You won't know unless you go there."_

...

"To say goodbye..." the ice carried my voice somewhere forlorn. Somewhere familiar.

"Hey, 'Rama, you say something?" Yusuke looked at me with a small, albeit concerned, smile, tightened the buttons on his long coat. Winter always seemed present.

"...I'm merely practicing."

_"No mother, I won't be gone long."_

_"Well are you dressing appropriately? Should you pick up some money from the bank?"_

_"No, I won't be needing it." I embraced her, looked over her shoulder at Kokoda's confused expression. I smiled at him. He didn't return the gesture. I mouthed and apology...and recieved a stoic nod. Nothing more._

"This is it...isn't it?" My human companian nodded to what had once been an abundant forest of bamboo, now a soggy and soiled graveyard for a face so few remembered. Unable to speak, I simply slipped my hand into the bend of his elbow, and led him forward.

To the place I had tried so hard to stop remembering...

_"Now, Mr. Hatanaka, Kokoda, I want you to remember that if this becomes at all uncomfortable, you are welcome to take a break." Good god, she sounded like she was getting ready to torment them; of course, she wasn't. I knew what was coming, though she'd hardly given me detail._

_We all sat in individual chairs, a small circle in the center of the familiar office. It was, as one might say, a release. A confession. Tissues clasped in my mother's hand, a box of them not-at-all hidden behind Gloria on a polished desk. ...Goddess, how many of these sessions had she composed? She crossed her legs, adjusted the yellow notepad that never seemed to run out of paper._

_Kokoda fiddled with a rubber band, twisting it on his middle finger. I counted how many notches he'd pulled his belt in. And his father looked...bored, almost. Picking his fingers, looking between Shiori, me, Gloria, the carpets. The expression was one of 'get me out of here.'_

_Ah, family support. Is it so rare?_

My eyes stung, my chest began to ache. I kept hearing the screaming, smelling the sour blood that the earth had already swallowed more than a decade ago. "Yusuke...I can't." "Can't?" His voice wasn't confused, more speaking because he felt it necessary to do so.

"I'm not ready. I can't look at this right now." 'Weak your so goddamned weak' ...Who was that? Me or Yoko? I inhaled the foggy air, feeling pain in my lungs, my nose burning with the clean air that Ningenkai did not contain. Ironic how the world of demons can feel so much more untainted.

"It's okay. Maybe we can come back another time?" His hand shook on my back; was he shivering or was I? My joints ached, my nose dripped, my teeth ached persistantly. The quiet made my head throb. 'Kuronue, would you forgive me?' How would I explain it to Gloria? Shaking my head, I forced myself to move forward. _"The specific place doesn't matter. What matters is you trying to handle the situation."_

So she tells me..

"...Kuronue?" Whispering too loudly, it made my ears itch. I rested my hand against the onyx tree, for a moment wondering if I had always been so pale, my fingers so fragile in appearence. 'No,' I told myself, 'You did that.' "Kuronue, I feel like an idiot doing this, but I need to talk to you," a bird responded loudly, cacophony, "...I'm sorry. I need to let you go."

Water ran from my eyes, burning as it dripped from my chin and into the white blanket. Yusuke stood awkwardly behind me, trying very hard to be still.

"I can't keep living like this!" Harshly whispering when I wanted to scream, "I can't keep blaming myself, or letting you control me anymore. It's...it's killing me, Kuro."

_Violet eyes._

_Joyful laughter._

_His stupidly happy smile when a heist was successful._

_That damn cap I hated so much..._

My forhead on an unmarked grave, seeing it all too clearly in my mind's eye, so badly it physcially burned.

"Please, please let me go."

_I love you, Yoko Kurama._

"You have to let me go! Help me let go!"

_I love you, Yoko._

"Please..."

_I love you, Yoko Kur-_

A rush of warmth fell over me then. On my knees in front of barren nature, before the eyes of any creature who dared freezing. I realized Yusuke had quietly laid his coat over me.

We sat in silence for what felt like days. The sun didn't move, it didn't even show up in the ashen sky. Of course not. Not in a day for mourning. A day for healing.

I pressed my fingers to my lips, brushing them on the snow in a quiet gesture of what could be described as love. No, it was love. I did love him. ...I loved him. The voice was quiet, the memories no longer playing in my head like a newsreel.

...Finally, it was still.

**Confrontation...and closure. The italycs signified flashbacks, by the way. ^^ I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, and that it was worth the wait.**

**--Yoko_cw**


	26. Chapter 26

***Chapter 26*  
As always, I am very sorry for the long wait... This is very much a filler chapter; uneventful and short, but something to at least keep the story moving. I hope not to have such long gaps, but being back in school is taking up a little more time than I thought, and stress is effecting my writing. However, I hope you all enjoy this, and keep reading; I promise, I WILL finish! Thank you all, lovely readers, loyal reviewers and subscribers.  
--Yoko_cw******

  
Yusuke stayed that night. He layed up quietly in my bed, arms folded behind his head as he watched the slowly circling fan. I sat in a chair, the likes of which I didn't recall moving in. The day kept playing in my head, every detail clear. For the first time too many years, I felt almost peaceful. It startled me.

"Keiko, shut up..." Yusueke mumbled, tossing over with one leg dangling off the bed. I didn't bother contemplating what he was dreaming; with him and that girl, I didn't think I wanted to know. Softly, I sighed, booting up the conputer. Several documents stared back, untouched assignments from school I hadn't had the energy to work on. Feeling numb, I typed in the words 'Eating Disorder Centers'.

Change was necessary, after all...

_*scene*  
_"You going back to school?" Yusuke spoke to me with a mouthful of artificially sweetened cereal. I kept my eyes on a worksheet I'd printed off, trying to keep my hand from shaking, and for the most part failing. "Soon, I hope," I tried not to look at calorie content, or the brown of his eyes, "The doctors advise I at least gain some weight first." A sip of coffee, 15 calories in the cup. The answer for number twelve...late 1800s. Numbers flickered in and out of my mind, consuming. I was unable to focus.

"Well, I'm just hangin' out here today," he folded his hands behind his head, "Just for a little while, make sure your okay." I nod. For some reason, the invasion didn't bother me as much as it should have. ...I blamed exhaustion. My hand, not for the first time, drifted to Kuronue's pendant. The guilt hadn't vanished, hadn't lessened; but it was not so constant in my mind.

"...So...where's your mom?" Unusually awkward, Yusuke closed the cereal box, blindly pushing it onto the wrong cupboard shelf. My teeth itched. "I believe she went to work early this morning; overtime in hopes of later recieving a few weeks off," I took a deep breath, "In order to accompany me to a treatment facility."

"...Woah." Was that all he could think to say? He looked at me blankly, perhaps expecting it was a trick. Fortunately, or perhaps sadly, it was not so. "Yes, if we can find one, I'll be going next month." I laid my fingers over my lips, signing that I wanted to say nothing more on the subject. ...I wondered how Hiei would handle it. He knew we were looking, but did he care? Did he want me to leave? ...Was he in Makai with her at the very moment?

I shook my head; no. No more of that. "Would you like to go with me today? I'm looking for some books to add to my collection." A trademark grin. "Foxboy, you read way too much."

_*Scene*_  
Yusuke was as hectic as the shopping center; eyes flickering in all direction, moving his hands from behind his head to his pockets. I couldn't tell if it was anxiety or just his usual impulsive behaviours. "If you don't pay attention," I nearly had to yell above the crowd, "Then we're going to be here far longer than necessary."

He didn't even smile. "Sorry, foxboy. You know I hate crowds of people. We're gonna get trampled, or lost and wander around until we're fuckin' 80. And that'll just piss me off." I shook my head, signaling him to take a deep breath.

And, in doing so, caught a painfully familiar scent. 'Of course there would be a florist' A few steps to my left; I brushed my fingertips against the silk-like petals, taking in the vibrant hue of blue I was unfamiliar with. 'More than likely manipulated'. Violently, I went backward; back to when we were still detectives; the sound of my whip ripping through flesh and bone and stone...

Things I no longer had the energy to accomplish or even attempt.

"...You gonna get one?" Suddenly serious, my friend's hand fell to my shoulder, his eyes holding light sympathy and concern. "Well, I think you should!" Not waiting for my response, feigning enthusiasm, "Flowers do you good, you know that." I closed my eyes, tried to absorb some of his optimism.

"Perhaps...your right."

_*Scene*  
_That night, I couldn't sleep. I sat upward in bed, stroking the glossy cover of my new book; one I had spent too much money on, and that I hadn't had the focus to read. I couldn't stop pondering what it was going to be like.

_*Fine, I'll go to treatment. ...Please stop talking about it. Stop these useless discussions behind my back!"_

_Mother and Hatanaka stared at me, obviously unaware that I had been standing in the doorway. "I'll try. I won't guarantee you my sucess. Don't expect it...*_

_'Suichi, go to sleep. Your thoughts are far too chaotic and your giving me a migraine...'_

_'Sorry Yoko.'_

...We were quiet.


	27. Chapter 27

***Chapter 27***

_As always, I'm sorry for my long absense. I got hit with inspiration like a brick in the face today, though! I hope you like it, and I apologize if it doesn't follow storyline... I think I got messed up._

_So, with that, I bring you the next (hopefully acceptable) chapter of Dying to be Thin!_

_--Yoko_cw_

...How foreign the rooms looked to me that day I returned; I felt small in the extended hallways. People walked back anf forth from person to locker and back, a sea of red and gold. I sighed, slinging my bookbag over my shoulder and trying to tell myself it wouldn't be so bad. 'What's wrong with you? You've been here before...' I shook Yoko's voice out of my head, and pulled open the door to my writing class. It was disorienting, how people stared at me like I was a ghost. Thirty-something pairs of coffee-brown eyes, waiting for me to trip, I think.

"...Good to see you alive, Minamino."

Kaitou was, of course, the first to speak, to break the obvious and awkward silence. I tried to smile, taking my seat in front of him and staring in disgust at the chalkboard, literally filled with notes. I was tempted to bang my head on the fake-wood desk; I opted instead for trying to find a decent notebook.

How typical, unchanged it felt to be there, listening to and writing a lecture down. I don't know why I expected to be so overwhelmed. I focused on making sure my hands didn't shake too badly, on the lazily pronounced words that droned through the air. 'Why am I here? Thieves don't need knowledge of literature, pointless history...' I began to drift, chin on my palm. I watched the words appear on the board; my thoughts began to fade into food, and to violence; an odd and random combination.

Vividly I recalled the pull of my arm muscles when my whip tore through flesh and muscle and strengthened bone. The smell of blood flooding me, splashing onto my pale tunic. ...Kuronue's laughter, pleasant yet inappropriate, as he glided through the air with his hand around my wrist. 'This is the life, eh Yoko?'

'I love you, Kurama'

'Yoko, you okay?'

"Minimino!" "-Shit!" My mind was violently pulled back to the present day. I glowered at whoever had nearly stopped my heart.

"...Kaitou."

I merely acknowledged. I realized how silent the room was. No one was there; desks stood empty and forgotten, the lights dimmed. He looked at me, amusement clear on his face. He pushed his glasses further up his nose with a trademark smort. "Class got out ten minutes ago," he informed me, "You're already truant to your next lesson."

...And just like that, I felt a headache. A sharp pain just above my brow. "Damn." I rubbed it, trying to relieve some of the irritating pain. "Thank you, Kaitou." ...Neither of us moved. 'Why isn't he in class?' I didn't speak my pointless wondering. My head pulsed when I stood, nearly dragging my bookbag beside me. "Should you call your home?" I fought back sarcasm; "No. I've missed enough school already. I would prefer not to repeat the year."

*Your speech is slowing.* Yoko informed me, voice snide and almost mocking *You do know your dehydrated, don't you? You'll black out. Again.* My hands shook; his voice clawed at my temples and I wanted to deny him. He premonated my public humiliation; *Call home. Get out before they stick you back into that hospital.*

My head burned and throbbed. The wall felt cold against my back and, slowly, I slid downward (when had we come into the hallway?). "Minamino, go home." I wanted to laugh at how similar my classmate and my demon sounded. "No. I'll be fine. I just need a moment." I pinched the bridge of my nose and clenched the numb fingers of my left hand. Sounds bounced off my skull and I felt like screaming for no reason in particular. Walls shifted, my chest tightened. 'He shot me...' I recalled 'The hunter shot me. It's his fault! If he'd missed, I would be...' I didn't know what I would be; Yoko, a demon, a thief. I certainly would not have been this way. I wouldn't be miserable, delusional, completely out of my mind with paranoia and guilt.

'I'm sick of mourning my past life...' I felt a lump in my throat.

"Kaitou?" I looked at the blur in front of me, hoping I wasn't speaking to the water fountain, "...Call someone."

(The sound of blood flooding through the hollow spear. An arrow flying hardly an inch from me, catching in my hair and close to death.)

"Damn...!"

I curled against the wall by instinct, someone's voice muttering foreign languages in my ears.

The last thing I remembered was a cold hand on my forehead, and my mother's voice.

("It's okay now, son.")

_I'm sorry, I don't know why I keep ending things with people passing out...or just going insane. It's not going to be another hospital visit, I promise. I hope this filler chapter was to your liking though; I'm trying to slowly introduce Kurama to normal settings again. Poor thing. Anyway, please review?_

_--Yoko_cw_


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

"This is exactly why I told you to stay home!" Quietly, I rolled my eyes and adjusted the ice pack on my head. "The doctor told you to rest," my mother said, glowering at me, "But you felt it absolutely necessary to come into the school and do the complete opposite of what people tell you to do!"

"Mrs. Minamino," Mr. Itchagaki, my school counselor, folded his hands on the desk, "Please understand that we are in no way blaming anyone for this incident and certainly Suichi is not the one to blame," and here comes the exception, "However, we prefer that our students have medical clearence after such a long absense before even returning to the school grounds." I sighed, watching my mother rifle through her purse before slamming painkillers into my palm.

"Well, we are going back to the doctor," she informed no one in particular, "And this will not happen again." I crushed the generic painkiller between my teeth, listening to their conversation and wishing to god I had something stronger.

***Scene*  
**"So I heard mom started quite the riot today." I closed my eyes, breathing deeply before flicking the remote, looking for a murder documentary to take my mind off of the tension in the house. "Kokoda," I sighed, "You are correct. And mind you, I was there. I don't need your subtitles and pathetic summarising." He muttered something like 'touchy' and stormed off, tucking a magazine beneath his elbow.

"You know," I didn't have to look over my shoulder to see Hatanaka leaning on the kitchen doorframe, "You don't need to be so hard on him. He's only fourteen." I have a sarcastic sort of chuckle, staring at a murderer's face on the television.

"Whatever you say." He sighed and ran upstairs to comfort his child.

...I stared at my reflection on the blank screen...

_*Shiori POV*  
_My eyes scanned over countless documents, old papers, paid medical bills, insurance. So many things I had been to tired to organize. I sighed and high lighted a few things, crossing out others. Numbers hurt my eyes.

"Shiori, what on earth are you doing...?" I looked at the lightly amused and familiar expression; a rare moment of peace between us, casual conversation. "I'm organizing bills." His hands came to work the knots out of my lower neck.

...I was surprised that I almost felt resentment toward my son. How much damage he was doing, perhaps without even knowing. 'What kind of mother am I?' I closed my eyes, tried not to let those thoughts in.

But the phrases 'if it weren't for Suichi' and 'if he wasn't so sick' kept pushing away the motherly side. I groaned, rubbed my temples and tried to be a good parent and wife. I remembered his first word, first steps; never had I imagined that he would become this type of person.

We mothers never do assume though, do we?

***Scene;** _still Shiori POV*****  
_The evening went by quickly, tension gradually slowing and shrinking until we were all comfortable enough to bid eachother good night. Typical words, meaningless kisses and embraces. Then we all went back to our own worlds. Such is the life of a family.

Long after the hall lights went out and the house fell still with midnight, I was up. Wired by coffee and annoyance and guilt, I reorganized the files in my computer and even found a few recipes I could have sword had been lost. I smiled and saved it all under my name; the clock read 1:56. As though glancing had demanded it, I yawned. My arms went above my head, 40-something-year-old joints cracking either in appreciation or in protest. A cup of peach tea sounded oddly appealing.

Tying my robe tightly, I quietly toed my way down the hall, trying not to disturb-

-...the house was not so quiet after all. Faintly, I could hear rustling, rummaging. And fainter still, I could see a light coming from beneath the kitchen door. I sighed and tucked my hair behind my ear; now was not the time for Kokoda to get into the habit of eating night-time snacks. I half thought that it might prevent him from getting an 'eating disorder' as well.

I put on my best mom-face, and pushed open the door

only to see a patch of red glowing in the dim lighting. It was Suichi. I stood silently, trying to find out what on earth he was doing in the kitchen.

And that's when it struck me that he was in front of the open fridge, very quietly opening the drawers and unwrapping the oddest things. He ate rice with what I believed to be jam, which I had intended to throw away. A medium sized bowl of noodles with bits of dried fish mixed in.

But what initially surprised me, and nearly frightened me, was the manner in which he ate. I could see the side of his face; his expression was nearly blank, but held a hint of sadness...loneliness. Quickly he consumed a cold okonomiyaki _(1)_, hardly chewing before reaching for leftover omelet I had intended to eat for lunch.

...I realized then that when I'd asked where the food had been disappearing to, he lied. 'I threw it out, the smell made me ill' he would always say. Lies; it had been feeding his habit. I was practically supporting his condition!

Blurry-eyed, I shut the door. My god, how could I have been so blind?? Of course it would be stupid to stock the house with leftovers with a disordered child living there! I felt somehow compelled to leave, to pretend I hadn't seen this. To deny that I knew he would be vomiting into a bucket when all of us were sleeping...

But instead, I was controlled by hurt and fear and anger. I pushed the door open, letting my presence be known to my very ill child.

Green. He stared up at me with wide eyes, lips slightly parted; an expression of innocence that I had never seen on that face. 'Mommy what did I do wrong?'

We stood there for a few tense heartbeats, staring and trying to make the other back down first. Silently, I turned the light on, observing how violently he flinched; did the light hurt his eyes, or did he feel too exposed, that his no-doubt disgusting secret had been revealed to me?

"You should be in bed," I said, my voice higher than normal, clear and cold as glass.

...I heard shuffling footsteps upon the stairs. For a moment I did nothing; I hoped that maybe being exposed would be the motivation to stop. But by the time Kokoda reached the door, it was too late. In that one second, I saw Suichi's eyes full of pain and fear and shame...and it was too late for me to say 'I'm sorry'.

"Suichi, what the hell did you do in here?" I tensed at my husband's vulgar language. Kokoda stood behind me, trying to understand.

I wouldn't explain.

***Kurama POV*  
**My heart turned to stone when I saw my family; their shocked and pained expressions. I wiped my face on my sleeve and feebly tried to make my mess look normal. My little brother looked at me with a queer combination of awe and disgust; he had never seen me this way, raw, exposed. I hated it more than I'm sure he did.

"Son, go to bed," Hatanaka's voice was low but threatening enough that he did as told, silently. ...But not before sneering at me over his shoulder.

My stepfather's and fell heavily upon my shoulder; he manipulated me into sitting with him and my mother at the dining room table. The incriminating mess still sat illuminated behind me. I swallowed, hid my face behind my hands: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." My eyes remained dry but my shame ran deep, my humiliation painful.

I didn't absorb all what was said.

I was to repay them for all of the food I had eaten.

I couldn't be trusted, would be checked on in the evenings, in the bathroom.

And perhaps the most embarassing blow; a lock would be installed onto the kitchen door, and I was to be the only member of our family without a key.

They were trying to protect me is what they claimed. I bit my lip, wiped hot tears away before they could run down my face. I prayed it was a dream. That nothing was real.

I was sent to bed with one last look of anger and disappointment. With my human family shaking their heads at me and I felt like I was five years old.

The next day, my parents went shopping. My father went to the hardware store to purchase a "good lock" and my mother and Kokoda to the supermarket.

And me? I threw a coat on and looked for a cheap resturant in which I could drown my guilt.

The cycle continues.

_1: Sort of like a pancake, but unsweetened and with veggies_

**_Once again, I hope this was to your liking. It was based upon personal experience, though I don't know if I conveyed emotion enough in this chapter. Hopefully, I'll have another one out soon. Please review. Thank you for reading and sticking with this story, readers, subscribers, and reviewers!_**

**_--Yoko_Cw_**


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29/side chapter...-"Smoke"

Forgive my long absense. You should all know my excuses by now, but subtract school. I graduated in freaking May. It's just regular 18-year old drama and BAD writers block... Hope you like this pathetic filler chapter in an attempt to get this thing going again.

*Kurama POV*  
Staring; again, and always, there would be someone staring at me. I will admit that by that point I had begun to get used to it but it didn't make it any less irritating. I sighed, snatched the remote off the table and flicked through channels in an attempt to get rid of an awkward un-silence. Gathered in Genkai's temple, we were spending...quality-time together, of sorts. Spirit Detectives no longer, we were confined to lives of normality and, bluntly, it got real fucking boring. Of course, my personal life was anything but boring at that point but there's no need to go into that. I stopped the channel on a crime show, my widened pupils focusing on a bright red stain of fake blood that was across obviously-fake snow. (why did I expect realism from these...I will never know.) I sat, I listened, I watched. The detectives talked, the investigators snapped photos with annoyingly bright lights.

And...I found myself fidgeting. Gloria and I had been working on that; subconsciously making up for time, or some strange psychological reasoning of that sort. By this time both of us had realized that my disease really had nothing to do with weight but...that's the way it manifested, so that's the way it worked. "The real reason you do this" she said "Is to somehow rid yourself of the guilt and depression you've been burying in you for years now." In other words, I was too weak to handle my own emotions and had, in a word, snapped. Snapped under the strain; the strain of hiding my demonism, trying to blend in with humans, of Kuronue, of Yoko in my head, of dealing with my new family. I recalled one day where we had really 'hit something' (again, her words). To think back frightened me, intrigued me. We had been conversing, in tones too loud; we were practically yelling at eachother, though not angry...merely intensive, emotionally. She had been trying to get me to feel again, to stop hiding behind my addictions. It was unpleasent. Forget the formality, it was hell. I loathed the way she forced eye contact, had me speak aloud the very aching guilt that had been eating me alive. I had been the cause of my mother's sickness, I had not been able to help soon enough, I had been the one to kill my comrad, I had been the one to kill who I had been before.

"Yo, Kurama," I sighed, feeling slightly disgusted at the tone of voice that implied I had been drifting again. "Yes, Yusuke?" I tried to be patient; I turned my eyes to him and wondered how long I had been out; the show was at a very dramatic interrogation scene. "Just wondering where you are, man," he scooted to the edge of the couch, reaching across Keiko to grab popcorn and chew it...loudly. Ugh. Popcorn; a healthy vegetable soaked in butter and salt. I breathed in through my nose, tapping my heel against the floor. 119 calories in a cup. 7.3 grams of fat. 176 miligrams of sodium. My friends consuming it were walking health risks. I chuckled at the irony of my own thoughts. I was considering normal people unhealthy again while I was living off coffee for the last 3 days. "You want some?" Damn. "Forgive me Yusuke, I didn't realize I was staring," I put on my good-Kurama smile, turned my attention to the obnoxious commercial on the TV. "Ok...but that doesn't answer the question." Chewing. Swallowing. LOUDLY. I wanted to strangle him. I didn't know if I just hated his noisy eating, or if I felt he was flaunting his disorderless self in front of me. Either way...it didn't matter. I shook my head, bit the side of my tongue discreetly, "No. All the butter," the word was coated with loathing, "will make me sick. You should probably stop eating it too, you know. It's loaded with calories..." He stared. They stared...we were all unable to blink and I sighed, laughing a little, "I'm...doing it again, aren't I? Forgive me." I was supposed to stop analyzing, stop taking my frustrations and guilts out on other people. ...In a sick way it was soothing to think of all of them getting fat, unhealthy, dying of their own fault. There was the irony again. "...No thank you, Yusuke," I replied to the question normally, and we all went back to TV. I hated weight loss commercials followed by pizza ads. They were absolutely moronic. I drank black coffee. Fidget. Fidget.

A snapping noise woke me from my irritated daze. From the corner of my eye I saw Shizuru, holding a cigarette between her teeth and flicking the lighter a few times, fruitlessly trying to make the flame. I sighed, slid matches across the coffee table for her. She nodded in thanks. The smell was disgusting. I tapped my fingers (long, thin, people called them), stared at the multicolored squares that made up the television ad. ...The smell was maddening. "Shizuru," I leaned my head on the heel of my palm (must be casual...), looked into her brown eyes, "Would you mind if I took one?" Ah. There was the 'Kurama's gone insane' look again. Everyone knew I hated smoke; a trade from Yoko, we were all inclined to believe. "Uhm...no not at all." She threw the white packet to me, traded the matches back to me. I focused on the art of lighting. I held solid cancer between my teeth, lighting, putting the match out with my thumb without feeling it. My left hand was lacking these days; I made a mental note to see a doctor about it. I angled myself to the open window in the kitchen behind me, inhaling, exhaling at routine intervals. Must look normal in my abnormality. That was becoming my mantra.

The smoke quelled my hunger. The smell overpowered the food. I stopped fidgeting, occupied for the moment with the gentle tapping of ash into my empty coffee cup. ...They never did stop glancing at me. I felt somewhat embarassed.

But I didn't feel hungry or sad anymore. And...weren't they the same thing?

*Scene*  
I started counting again, compulsively; everything seemed to be so lately. I counted the steps from my front door to the end of the driveway, restarting until I got to the end of the street, only to repeat again. Any odd numbers and my stomach would begin to ache. I stared at my reflection, and past it, into a gas station window. Dark circles under my eyes matched the ones of the woman buying a cup of 80 cent coffee. My hands were shaking again, though I wasn't cold, and my lips were tinged blue. My scale was gone, therapudically and indefinately taken away from me, though I suspected I would not be getting it back until I was..."better." I sighed, remembering the ashen taste from the previous night. There it was again, the sharp pain in my lower belly, the delicate throb of my chest. My body begged for rest and I refused to give it. If I rested, my demon would catch me. With a heavy sigh, I walked into the gas station, fingering my wallet and wondering which brand would be best. I decided on a green box, $2.50 each; cheap, but they would do. They would keep my hands and mind occupied. The man behind the counter smiled, handed me 3 boxes, and asked if I would like to purchase the coffee sitting near my elbow. ...I had forgotten about it. How silly. "Yes. Thank you." No ID was needed.

I arrived home before 2pm. I was grateful for the break from school, but it did leave much time to be filled. (1) Shiori and Hatanaka were at work, obvious by the missing cars; Kokoda sat mindlessly on the couch, eating three or four chips at once while watching a movie with too many explosions. I sighed, shook my head at how sad youth was, and trekked upstairs to begin my new coping mechanism. What would be my new obsession.

...Of course, I didn't know it at the time.

I sat, looking past my window and turning the box over in my hands. My wallet sat neatly at the corner, where it belonged. I sat exactly in the center of my bed, where I belonged. Everything was fine, perfect, organized. I took in the smell of matches I had been saving. Yoko's voice didn't appear to chide me for my stupidity; I wondered where he had wandered off to. Of course...one could not wander within the confines of their own mind but...he simply wasn't there anymore. There wasn't any other way to describe it. I drank the last bit of my coffee, tossed the styrofoam cup into my small trashcan. No homework. Nothing much to occupy my time. I contemplated calling Yusuke but...no, surely he would have been busy. Perhaps running? Again, denied within my mind; I had been told to stop. My muscles couldn't handle it anymore. Consistant yet random throbs reminded me of that. Yesterday it had been my knee, and today my hip. I was too young for this. Decades too young, in this body anyway. I inhaled deeply, thought obsessively about food again, yearning for it and loathing it. I thought of how my friends were likely having sugared cereals for breakfast, or pancakes covered in saturated fats; butter, syrups, sugar. Disgusting. I realized I didn't know what day it was, couldn't bring myself to care enough to check my computer.

Damn it. Now I was thinking about sugar again. I remembered the week where I had coffee and endlessly poured sugar packets down my throat for false energy. Or the two weeks of one meal a day; a stick of celery with one tablespoon of mustard. After a while, I am somewhat ashamed to admit, the vegetable became more of a spoon than a food. Mustard only had 11 calories in a tablespoon, which wasn't bad in the scheme of a day. It was salty, deliciously and disgustingly salty. My body craved such things; I was eating rice with tablespoons of the stuff, later stuffing myself with medication to rid what I could not realize was bloating... I had 3 hours before Shiori and Hatanaka would return. What to do until then? I happily obsessed with food again, imagining things I would not, could not, eat. I thought of alcohol I was not old enough to buy just yet.

Perhaps I would pay Shizuru a visit again, sometime soon. Perhaps we would talk over drinks.

1: For some reason, i find it really hard to write about him being in school. So...the school is on vacation. -; Sigh. 


	30. Not a chapter TITLE CHANGE ALERT

Hello lovelies! *smiles and waves* this is, sadly, not a chapter, sorry for the disappointment. This is, rather, an alert. I will be changing the title of this story. When I began this my eating disorder was in low stages; nothing personal, horrible, or damaging. And I'm pretty much ashamed of the beginning chapters of this but I'm not really wanting to edit or remove them. I feel I have grown alot as a person from this disorder, though I'm not sure this is good or bad. And in Kurama's case, my own, and many others, bulimia and anorexia rarely are focused around being 'thin' or even weight itself. So I hope to soon be rid of the shameful title of "Dying to be Thin" and onto something a bit more meaningful :) So far I've had the suggestion of "Death by Longing"  
And the only other title I can think of is "THIN".

So this is just my little warning so if the title does change, you know why. Thank you for reading, for your patience, and for all your lovely reviews and support! Much author-love.

-Yoko-cw 


	31. Chapter 30

Chapter 30/Side Chapter-"Drink"

_*Kurama POV*_  
1, 2, and 3 am passed me by. I paced madly, back and forth and repeating it all over again. My numb hands clutched a mug of coffee, thick and black and hot and delicious. It kept my eyes open, my heart rate up, and my mind clear. I never paused to look at myself in the mirror, never made too much noise; they would hear me upstairs, my little adoptive family of humans... Inside my head, Yoko was lecturing me. I couldn't hear him, my demon speaking underwater again. I shook my head against his voice, turned on the computer. I pulled one knee up to my chest, letting my other leg sit normally on the floor. I curled into myself, clicking on the keyboards and listening to the sounds of a quiet house. I burned my tongue a few times.

Apartments. Several hundred dollars, not too much. I had money saved here, Yoko had unlimited amounts of treasures stashed about the Makai... I emailed, fingers typing madly and my eyes never moving from the screen. I slowly became aware of the sun rising, of the sound of streets waking up. Nothing too shocking, but strange to hear. I took a deep breath in, rubbed my lower lip with my thumb. I still was unsure as to when I would return to Makai, to my real body. ...But time here went so much quicker. School was ending, my years were gaining...perhaps...living alone would be for the best. I decided not to weigh the pros and cons of such things. It would have to wait. ...Until what, I didn't know. Yoko never once stirred within my mind.

_*Scene*_  
"Suichi, won't you have some breakfast?" My mother, bless her soul, was holding out a carton of vanilla yogurt. She was trying so hard to adjust to me, trying to get me to eat without using 'bad' food. It was heartbreaking, and touching at the same time. "No thank you," I looked into her sad eyes, kissed her cheek, "I'm going to go to the store, alright? I need to pick up some supplies." She nodded, set the bowl shakily onto the counter. "Be back soon dear." I agreed quietly, grabbing my coat and making a mental map of which store to go to.

Not for supplies of course. I learned that due to my absenses, my finals could be taken online. ...Hell I didn't really have to finish anything. I had enough going for me to find a job at that point. ...Or I could have gone to Makai and had enough money there to pay for an extravagent lifestyle several times over. I sighed, slipped some sugar-free gum into my pocket. The bottled-blonde cashier was flipping through a magazine, fake nails scraping the pages. I smirked, taking a few mini-bottles of vodka along with it; I was due for a refill anyway. I would have to stop at the liquor store on the way home. I smiled at the girl as I left, the small chiming of a bell laughing along with me. It was so damn easy. I would have to type a resignition letter to Meiou High later; my schoolwork was failing, and my opinions of it were changing. After all...my life was unstable. My heart was fluttering, my blood pressure dropped at random intervals, my bones ached. Sometimes I was up for weeks, other times I slept for days. I shook my head, tipping the small plastic bottle back and relishing the burn.

I flashed fake ID on my way into my second store; she wasn't focusing, merely shrugged my along and put more cigarettes behind the counter. The whole place reeked of things I could not place, and it was nearly empty but for myself and a man in a dark blue tie. He raised a brow at me, and I lowered my own, daring him to speak against my being here; for a second I was glad my green eyes were just as frightening as the gold, when I needed them to be so. He returned the glare but moved quickly when I passed him by. I noted the cheap scotch he was purchasing and shook my head, my demon side expressing his longing for a Makaian bar and the 'company' that went with it. I shook the images out of my mind and slipped 3 tall bottles of Belvedere into my cart, the wintered background catching my eye (1). I also grabbed some cheap rum, tapping my foot as my items were rung up by the obvlious human.

I drank in the park, sitting on a quietly-rusting merry-go-round and making it go lightly back and forth with my foot. My head began to tip on it's own, my vision became less sharp; I prayed that would be able to stop this time. Vomiting alcohol was not only unpleasant, it was a purely ugly experience full of nothing but pain. I sneered at the thought, abusing my liver more and more as the morning transitioned to afternoon. The world kept moving.

_*Scene*_  
I payed a schoolmate to call my mother from a payphone; the words would never come properly from my own mouth and I didn't trust myself not to burst into a bout of hysterical laughter. I leaned my head against a brick wall as I listened to him repeat my lie; "Yeah, we're close friends, I'm surprised he didn't mention me. *laughs* Yeah it kinda hurts. Anyway, he'll be just fine at my place for the night, don't you worry about him. Yup. Yup he should be back late tomorrow morning. You too, Mrs. Hatanaka. Bye now." A bell sounded as he hung up and, with a smile, I nodded my thanks. He shrugged, slipping the ten dollars into his pocket. "Be careful with whatever it is you can't tell her," he murmered to me. I scoffed, turned my back to him; I didn't need his stupid wishes for my health. He wore the hideous pink uniform I used to wear; his hair was clean, his eyes clear of any nights of sleeplessness. I rolled my eyes at his normality as I made my way to an apartment I had seen, but never dared to visit.

_*Scene*_  
The building was quiet, abandoned. I expected nothing else. I smiled at the ease of which the boards came loose from the broken windows, slipping inside and replacing them without a sound. ...and they called this secure? Humans; their idiocy never ceased to astound me. Yoko stirred again, warned me not to do anything stupid. I sneered in response, threw a wall up to keep his voice from reaching the deeper recesses of my mind. He stood somewhere in the background, watching me and screaming from behind a thick wall of glass. Helpless._ 'So am I, Yoko' _I sighed, sitting on an old chair and crossing my legs, watching the dust stir, "...So am I..."

I fell back against the old and ugly couch, though it was sturdy enough to suit my purpose; I kicked my shoes off, tightened the blue sash that kept my cheongsam (2) together. Loneliness had not yet crept in; instead there was a strange sort of emptiness, something that kept my eyes blank as they wandered around the plain room. The wallpaper was bad, the rooms practically empty. I didn't know exactly why this particular apartment complex had been abandonded, but it had yet to collapse or show signs of poison since I My eye had been there. It was just...ugly, to be honest. I looked at a broken mirror with a gold, oval frame and studied the parts of my face distorted by cracks. My green eyes held nothing, my hair long since dulled of it's original vibrancy, no longer looking like fresh spilt blood. It reminded me much more of something old and tattered, noticable but not for reasons of beauty. I sighed, took another swig, telling myself that forgetting wouldn't be any easier if I kept reminding myself of who I was. My appointment with Gloria was tomorrow, and I contemplated calling to cancel. The thought of sitting and speaking with someone else just irritated me.

I finished off the bottle, dropped it casually to the ground with a dull 'thunk' resonating through the cheap floorboard. I laid back, pressing my hand to my forehead but not feeling it there. I spoke aloud, laughed at how my words were slurred and distant. The room spun and I closed my eyes, beginning to feel motion sick. I grit my teeth and curled into the couch cushins, small moans breaking from my throat. I sounded weak; I was weak. Didn't matter. I swallowed the bitter taste that was rising in the back of my throat; I would not vomit. It would hurt and I felt too lazy to get up and try and locate the bathroom, not relishing the idea of puking on the floor. I closed my eyes, felt the room go in slow circles and my heart pounded in my head.

Somewhere between sickness and waking, the sky had grown dark. I opened my eyes to see shadows and streetlights spilling yellow into my make-shift bedroom. My stomach leapt and I, again, curled up and tried to sleep. 'Goddess let me go back to sleep' I whispered in my head 'Sickness is not appealing right now'. I didn't want to be hungover; the only cures for that were time and more alcohol. Neither sounded like something I wanted to experience. A hot tear slipped from my eye and trailed down my face. I heard it land on the couch cushin; it would be there, a stain. Much like I was at the moment. I was a stain, a waste. Depression rooted again and I laughed through my sore throat and the heaviness in my chest. I stroked the other bottle of vodka with my long nail, wondered if I should drink it now to save myself the unforgiving state of sobriety.

And what the hell? I wasn't due home until tomorrow evening...

...1 am passed by again, waving and trying to get my attention. I was wasting what time I had left. Did it matter? Not to me. Time stopped and I no longer felt myself be bound to it. I pulled loose strands of hair and let them float to the ground. Wonderful; it was falling out again. My heart raced and I set the bottle onto the floor with a resonating click. I passed out bent in half, holding my head in my hands and trying to hang onto what was left of me...

1: I have this bottle in my collection. ^^ It is beautful. Google it!  
2: Cheongsam is a chinese dress...but I've also read that it's what Kurama's outfit is called? You know the yellow one he wears when fighting Karasu. I didn't know what else to call it, so we'll stick with chengosam -;


	32. Chapter 31

**CHAPTER 31**

Kurama POV  
I didn't sleep that night. There was too much running through my head, too many things that wouldn't let me relax. I sighed, having sobered up within the last hour, just enough to watch the sun come up through the windows caked with dirt. "Ah!" The sound broke involuntarily; when I stood, a stabbing pain rushed into my liver and kidneys. My organs were hurting; not a good sign. I was lightheaded, but used to it. Black spots invaded my vision, drifting over my line of sight and making me want to crawl back to my house and under the covers. But there was no time for that. I had things to do. But, first, I must have coffee.

I chain smoked in the park for a while, sipping coffee and trying to decide where I would go.

"Fox."

I had sensed him coming up behind me, but still, I was surprised that he was speaking with me. "Hiei." I turned to look over my shoulder, giving him a small smile. He was perched on the branch behind me, large eyes taking in my every movement. "Those smell disgusting," he chided, hopping onto the bench beside me and settling down, sitting with his legs crossed comfortably. "Hm. Did you come all this way to critisize the stench of my habit?" Pointedly, I blew smoke in his direction, flicking ash onto the sidewalk and wishing he would go away, wishing he would hold me the way he used to. But, I was insane.

'What the fuck does he want?' Yoko sneered. I could feel his disgust and I tried not to absorb the feeling myself. I shook my head to clear myself of him, and chose instead to try and smile at Hiei. "I came here," he looked away from me, "To see if you were alright." I nodded, "I'm alive." Nothing else. We sat awkwardly watching our surroundings, he looking at the clouds, and I chose to focus on a birds nest. Spring; finally. A few moments later, Hiei stood, stretching his arms out above his head, "We're getting lunch," he stated. His hand grabbed mine, and I wasn't sure if I should blush or pull away. I chose to simply remain silent, and let myself be dragged along by my friend. Friend...

***Scene***  
"Hiei...for gods' sake."

"Hush. Don't start complaining yet."

I sighed, rubbing my temples and trying to ignore how uncomfortable the chairs were in the cafe. I looked away from the crowd of people, chewing my blue nails. My joints still ached. I ignored whatever Hiei said to the waitress. I muttered that I'd like a coffee while wondering how Hiei would pay for this; he didn't ask if I had money, and he did not carry human currency with him. Was he planning to steal? (He certainly wouldn't be caught...)

The caffeine gave me a jolt of energy. "So," I sighed, fiddling with the spoon and feeling awkward, "How's life in the Makai?" He smiled, shrugging and sipping water through a thin straw, "Dull, as usual. Mukuro still has me controlling the borders between worlds, but lately there hasn't been any disturbances. I mostly sleep." I smiled and nodded; sounded like him. He was like a cat, usually found lounging in a tree and dozing in sunlight. "But," he leaned back in his chair, "It's something to do."

"Here you go," a smiling waitress set a basket in front of Hiei, the contents being a sandwich of some kind and a small amount of fries. He nodded his thanks while I gawked at him being so unusully polite, and he took a fry. He bit into it, pushing the basket closer to me. "Have some." I shook my head, smiling, "No, I'm not hungry." "Come on, you love these things." I shook my head again, not wanting to think about how many calories were in a sandwich stuffed with meat and whatever sauce was dripping from the end of the bread. It looked disgusting and made my mouth water. I was conflicted. "Try it, Kurama. It's delicious."

"No. I can't."

"Just one bite."

"I can't!"

"Sure you can, Just put it in your face!" His eyebrow twitched with irritation and I shook my head, feeling my hands start to shake, "Hiei, just stop it! I can't, okay? I can't!" He wasn't listening to me. No one was listening! Of course I was hungry, but I couldn't do it. Food...the idea of eating it terrified me. Especially not a sandwich, piles of ingredients; it was overwhelming. "You have to eat something," I turned to look at him, tried to ignore how sad he was. I sighed, pushing his hand away, "I will, but I can't eat that. Do you understand? I cannot eat that." He put the food down, tearing the crust into pieces. "I'll have a salad," I said, making him look me in the eye, "Will that make it better? Just for now?" Hiei sighed, "Fine." I ordered the dressing on the side, chose to dip the tines of my fork into the sauce instead of drenching my salad in it. It was too much just yet. It took time to get sick, it would take time to get well. i had to make them understand that.

I cut my salad into larger pieces than I normally would have. I had to prove I was at least trying to be normal again. Even if I wasn't sure if I would be just yet.

**Scene  
**Hiei understood my anxiety. He agreed to go on a walk with me after lunch. It had taken me an hour to eat, but I had finished the salad. The consequence was feeling like I was going to throw up and I was choking on anxiety. I agreed not to overdo it, that it would just be a short walk around the block, until we got back to my apartment. I tried not to think about too much, tried not to focus on what kind of person I was, who I was becoming. I chewed gum and held Hiei's hand; he didn't pull away. I wasn't sure, just yet, what it meant. Was it a pity gesture, or did we still feel something for eachother? I thought to his companion back in Makai. He couldn't hate me if he was in this world, taking care of me and my foolish illness. My stomach ached, and I found myself missing the high I got from starving. I didn't feel like myself, so I didn't know what I was feeling. I felt sweat beading at my hairline. "Hiei, we need to stop."

I leaned against a building in an alley, holding my hands to my heart to stop them from shaking. "...you okay?" He put his hand to the cement wall, eyebrows furrowed with concern. "I don't know," I panted, running my fingers through my hair to steady their shaking. He snorted, grabbing me without hesitation and carrying me back to my home. I'd forgotten what it felt like to move at this speed, and it wasn't helping the throb in my head. "I think I ate too much," I muttered as I settled down into my bed, trying to keep myself steady. "I know you don't understand," I whispered, "But my body isn't used to this. It was the salad...I think I'm going to be sick." And, as though that word set off a bomb, I rushed into the bathroom just in time to find green vomit spewing into my sink. I felt sorry for Hiei; he didn't do well with sick people, especially not idiots like me making myself sick.

"I'm trying," I sobbed, "I really am trying to get well...to not be so crazy..." I shook my head madly, gritting my teeth. It was so much easier just not to eat. Hiei gave me a nod and went into the den. I heard my stereo turn on, the soothing sounds of my well-used New Age CD filling the apartment. How he knew I liked that CD, I'm not sure. Maybe he was more observant than I'd thought.

"Come to bed," he rubbed a bandaged hand along my back, through my hair and feeling my bones, "You'll feel better." I nodded, "Sorry," and let myself be supported by my much-smaller friend. I'm sure it was a funny sight, me leaning on his shoulder even though I beat him by a foot and a half. But he was stronger than me; he always had been. I envied him. He eased me onto my bed, curled up next to me and beneath the quilt. He didn't touch me; I'm not sure how I felt about that. A moment later, his fingers were running through my hair, gently undoing tangles.

"You'll feel better soon," he whispered, "We just have to get you well again..."

Just had to get me well. Could it be that easy? How long would it be before I was well? Before I was _normal _again? I nodded. I don't recall going to sleep, but when I awoke, Hiei was next to me, fiddling with my cigarettes. He turned them over, reading the surgeons warnings. He sniffed the pack, made a face. "Smells different than Makaian tobacco," he whispered, eyes shifting to look at me. "There's chemicals, additives," I explained, curling further into my blankets. Hiei was tucked in up to his waist, and his natural heat was keeping me warm; I was grateful to have a fire demon as a friend. "How long was I out?" I whispered. My voice was hoarse. Hiei shrugged, setting my cigarettes back in the nightstand drawer, next to my abused medications. He said nothing. "Couple hours...not long enough." I blinked; oh, that's right...I'd forgotten about my own question. I really was losing it. I looked out the window to see the sunset. "Yes," I replied softly, "I don't sleep much anymore. But at least the nightmares don't keep me up anymore."

"Do you always get sick after you eat?"

"...I never eat."

He snorted, muttered something under his breath. Something about changing bad habits, I'm not quite sure. "You don't have to stay here if you don't want to." I sat up, pulling the covers over me (it was always so damn cold.) "Right," he gave me a soft smile, "And who will take care of you if I off and leave like that?" Again, Hiei's hand found mine and our fingers barely touched. He was being gentle, hesitant, perhaps more afraid than I was of us being in such close proximity again. "Look, it can't be much fun sitting here watching me wallow in my own misery. Why don't I brew us some tea and we can go laugh at a stupid horror movie?" For the first time in what seemed a lifetime, I gave Hiei a legitimate smile, held out my hand. "You can pick which one," I bribed. He grinned, took my hand, and my offer, "Fine, fox. But we're watching Chainsaw Massacre. I can fantasize about imitating the murders and you can criticize his technique." I laughed and shook my head, "You're terrible."

There was no pressure. We didn't have to have popcorn and soda with the movie, and there wasn't a seating chart as tended to happen in groups. We sat on the couch together without invitation, and I had a pomegranate with green tea, wondering, for once if it was enough to eat instead of too much. Hiei cackled at the bloodbath on the screen and, once again, our hands found each others'. Fingers laced, we let ourselves forget about my disorder and insanity for a couple hours, indulging in stupid teenage past times that we'd never gotten the chance to enjoy.

And maybe, just maybe, it was enough.

_I'm so sorry for the long wait! Don't kill me! I have no excuses; my inspiration kind of died. I knew where I wanted to go with it, but not sure where to continue on where I left it. And honestly, I want Hiei and Kurama to get back together. Was Hiei a jackass? Certainly, but it was necessary for Kurama's self esteem and worsening illness to have such an important person be a negative influence on Kurama. Will the story end happily for the couple themselves? I don't know yet. All I know is, I want these two involved somehow, and Hiei might be the brusque attitude Kurama needs to recover. Thank you so much for waiting so patiently all this time! I'm sorry for the crappy chapter as well, I just need to get it moving somehow. Much love to all my subscribers and reviewers! Glomps and hugs to all!  
-Yoko_cw_


	33. Chapter 33

CHAPTER 32

**Hi there. Okay; reason why I haven't updated. First of all, lack of inspiration. Second of all, I got put into the mental hospital twice, each for three weeks or more, and at three different hospital. Blame suicidal thoughts. I was diagnosed as Borderline but having to deal with myself out of the hospital was equally stressful, and I became a shut in doing nothing but watching netflix all day. Also, I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years and am currently staying with a friend which makes me technically homeless, and both my parents are no longer speaking to me because I broke up with my boyfriend. Apparantly, he is right about everything and I am wrong. Always. Needless to say, the shit had hit the fan. Hope you like this chapter even though it's a filler.

-Yoko**

Hiei stayed the night. Nothing happened, of course; neither of us expected anything, and that's how we wanted it. For the moment we were just trying to be less awkward around eachother, and for the most part, it was working. Hiei ate cereal the next morning, helped me do dishes as I toasted half an english muffin, which I would have dry with a cup of green tea. It was food, it would nourish me and it wasn't enough to send me into a panic attack. I sat at my small table in my small apartment, tearing off small pieces and chewing them thoroughly, counting and counting to make sure I was chewing enough so it wouldn't send me into a bout of rapid exercise. Hiei ate nothing, which I found ironic. He held my hand for a moment before bringing the dishes into the sink; they were placed inside and he then stated we were going for an early morning walk.

I felt cold. My heart didn't beat so fast. "It's strange," Hiei said with a grin, "Walking so slowly with you. I remember when we would race across rooftops, trying to see if we could cause the other to slip in a puddle of water." Hiei gave a dark smirk, "Remember when you did? The scratches from those tree limbs took forever to heal." I flushed, recalling how embarassed I had been at that time, and that's why I remembered it so vividly, "It's not as though I can fly through the air back to the tree like you can," I countered, playfully pushing on his shoulder, "At least I landed on my feet. I might be a damn cat instead of a fox." Hiei smiled, "Meow."

We stopped at the park. My heart was pounding and my head was spinning; I leaned against a tree, trying to pull energy from it. These huge life forces kept me going, gave me faith and the ki to keep going on my worst days. "May I ask an unhappy question?" I quirked my eyebrow, wondering what was coming next. "I suppose."

"When will you stop drinking," he whispered, "start eating again?" A moment of silence passed and all we could hear was the heavy traffic that was prevalent in Japan. "I don't know." And I didn't; it was such a heavy question, not something I could answer quickly. "I'm sorry," I laced my fingers with his, "but I cannot answer that right now. I had a muffin today, I ate it." "Yes, I know," he said gently, "But it's not enough. Such things will never be good enough to keep you alive. You have to..." I know he was tempted to tell me to be normal again, and I'm glad he didn't; such words were becoming offensive to me and I was growing tired of apologizing for it. "I can't, Hiei. I can't right now. Have some faith in me, just for a while longer? I can get through this." And at that moment, I was confident I could.

*Scene*  
Hiei left that evening. We spent the day in the park, with our feet in the creek and I played with the branches of a willow tree, using my energy to twist them into intricate patterns. We went home on the rooftops, slower than usual but still too fast for humans to notice us. The moon shone brightly, casting shadows on the ground and a hot wind swept through my hair. I hadn't felt so alive, had so much energy, it what seemed like forever. My disorder stole parts of me, but I felt like I was getting them back, little by little. I decided to call Yusuke, apologize at my actions, apologize once again for being insane. Would he remember, would it matter if I did or not? In the windowsill, Hiei held my chin and caught my lips. The kiss lasted for a few seconds before he parted, and he breathed to me; "I'll be seeing you tomorrow. Expect to get through this; I've seen you fight through worse." And then, he was gone, and I was left contemplating.

Had I gotten through worse? 'It seems so bad already.'

I sighed, tangled my hair with my fingers in frustration. I didn't know if I was frustrated with my insanity or the feeling that I was disappointing absolutely everyone. "It shouldn't matter," I mumbled, paced through my home with my fingernails between my teeth, "I don't know what to do..." I wondered if I should see Gloria again. But it didn't seem to do me much good, so why bother? Why bother with any of that nonsense? "I can handle this," I said with firm resolve, sitting on my bed and grabbing the journal I'd recently started, "I can handle this."

I fell asleep dreaming of normality.

*Scene*  
"Mother, please," I sighed, holding my temples with one hand and trying not to hang up, "It's unnecessary. No. No, I won't go." She kept pushing, insisting. "Suichi, you cannot do this on your own, you just can't. We don't expect you to. Please, our insurance will pay for it." I shook my head, knowing she couldn't see it but doing so anyway, "I still won't ask it of you. And besides, I'm handling it. I'm about to eat an apple and a yogurt," a half lie; I was going to eat half a yogurt. Food was food and I was getting better. Why couldn't she see it?

Hiei popped in through my window, sliding it shut as I hung up the phone and angrily stabbed at my food. "...Unpleasent phone call?" he hesitantly inquired while fiddling with my curtains. "My mother wants me in a hospital", I sighed, stirring and refusing to eat it, "But I don't need it. I can get better on my own." He nodded with his lips pressed together, muttering 'of course' under his breath. I knew he didn't believe that I could do it without professional help either. Of course, his idea of help was different; he wanted me to move back to the Makai, get away from all the stresses of the human world. "What exactly would they do in the human hospital?" he inquired, taking my spoon from the carton and stealing a bite. I shrugged, "Lock me up in a facility and observe me, followed by any number of treatment options carried out. It could take weeks or even months to do though, and that is why I refuse." He wrinkled his nose, clearly agreeing with me on the matter. I managed to finish my yogurt in a timely manner before Hiei and I decided to go to bed. We would discuss realistic treatment options in the morning. 


End file.
